Everything You Want- Chapter Six

Everything you want

Witch-Mistress-Animaru

A/N: Two more chapters and an epilogue! I can do this! (God I haven’t done a single assignment for the holidays just yet. I’ll be cramming soon enough.)

6: Admitting what she wants

(aka a real twist in paradise)

“There’s someone out there for me.

I know he’s waiting so patiently...

Where is he, where is he, where is he?

Where is this beautiful guy?

Who is he who’s gonna complete my world?

Who’s gonna take me so high?”

- Where are you; Natalie and Justin Roman

“I was living for a dream, loving for a moment

Taking on the world, that was just my style

Now I look into your eyes, I can see forever

The search is over; you were with me all the while.”

-The search is over, Survivor

You’re waiting for someone to put you together

You’re waiting for someone to push you away

There’s always another wound to discover

There’s always something more you wish he’d say...

-Everything you want, Vertical Horizon

It has been a while since Eriol Hiiragizawa walked out of her house and—apparently—her life, yet Sakura has not yet recovered from her stupor.

God, what a fool she’d been. Everyone had seen it—why didn’t she see it at once?

Maybe because she was scared of the magnitude of what she felt for him?

Or maybe because she refused to entertain the inner turmoil she felt whenever they linked hands, whenever he smiled at her?

The spark had always been there...

But she still can’t believe it. After all, she has spent years pining after her ideal man. That is, as personified by Eriol Hiiragizawa.

Yet now that she thought about it...

She smiled as Eriol ushered her to her seat. It was their first date ever—strangely enough, he took her to the restaurant where Syaoran took her to lunch.

She felt that queasy feeling in her stomach again but she said nothing to Eriol.

They ordered food and she just sat there, silently squirming in her seat. Disappointment welled inside her as Eriol continued eating, apparently unaware of her discomfort.

If she was with Syaoran, she won’t even be here... she suddenly found herself thinking out of the blue.

She remembered the way they laughed—the way he laughed, actually, whenever she told him a story. And she can’t help but think that Eriol came up short of his personality.

“Are you alright? I mean, is this place okay with you? I never did ask you.” Syaoran had asked her when she felt uncomfortable in that dining place.

“We can go to another place.” He had insisted, though she declined.

“No need to look so nervous, Sakura—I may call you Sakura, right?” He had asked her permission to call her by her given name.

“Oh, nonsense. Call me Syaoran. We’ve known each other for three years. Four, if you’d count that first year,” he made her feel at home with him.

“Where do you get such novel ideas for your stories? That last one—it was beyond wonderful, if you ask me.” He asked her such flattering questions and let her talk all day long.

He was thoughtful and sweet, he made her laugh—and, loathe she was to admit it, he made her tingle. He only had to smile for warmth to spread in her chest.

“Is something the matter?” Eriol asked, eyeing her with a frown. She looked up disbelievingly. Could he have gauged her discomfort? “I swear I heard you cough.”

Her shoulders hunched in disappointment. He didn’t feel it, after all. Maybe she was expecting too much.

Their date ended without further ado. He took her home and planted a kiss on her cheek before leaving.

She had always hoped that her first date with the One will be something more, something almost...magical.

And Eriol had come up short of her expectations.

It always came back to Syaoran, she realized now as she reminisced her other dates.

Somehow, they fell short and she called him to aid her because she found some paltry excuse in her date’s behavior to do so. The truth was that, she wanted to be rescued by him.

Her second date with Eriol wasn’t so bad. She had insisted she’ll be paying up. They went window shopping and she bought them takoyaki.

...In the same street stall where Syaoran brought theirs that day a month before or so.

Her third date she didn’t enjoy much. He talked a lot, like herself and she didn’t have the patience to listen or the inclination to do so. But she didn’t have the heart to say anything.

It went on and on. She got used to feeling down after each night had ended; she didn’t realize how miserable she was.

Then came that fateful night; the suggestion was totally unexpected, and from Tomoyo, too. Yet she felt like the words had jolted her back to life.

She thought Eriol was perfect—yet she ended up always waiting for something more from him...something which would have made everything more worthwhile.

Something romantic, something ideal. Something to lose sleep with.

Something like...

“I can’t see her; I can’t see anyone else because... it’s you I care about, don’t you get it?” She froze as she remembered that particular episode...the last time she saw Syaoran. His words echoed in her ears; it was strange that she remembered every word he said.

“You don’t even believe it even when I’m telling it to your face.”

“You always said we were friends. Who was I to argue? You ask me if I’m seeing your cousin—my God, your cousin! If you knew...”

“But I know where I stand. I wonder when I started becoming a martyr. I ought to be canonized. If it’s Hiiragizawa you want, okay with me. I’m willing to let you go—that’s how much I’m willing to sacrifice for you.”

“Why can’t we be friends?” She whispered before she could stop herself.

“I will not be content with that. And we can’t be friends anymore. Not now that...”

Oh, god.

What a fool she’d been.

She said she didn’t love him when she actually did. She lied to herself, denied herself of the truth.

It’s unbelievable. The desperate-for-romance Kinomoto Sakura was afraid of falling in love with the one man who’ll have her, to the one who’d seen her for who she is and accepted everything about her.

Can I really be in love with him? I might be romanticizing our lost friendship. She couldn’t help but doubt what she felt. After all, it was the first time she felt this way.

It’s awful. It hurts...it hurts so much to have let him go...

“Don’t be afraid to go after what you want,” Eriol Hiiragizawa had said.

Was she really afraid? Was she really in love with him? Was she really wrong to have let him have the last say? Should she have stopped him?

Did she want him, after all?

Heaven help her, she didn’t know.

Yet she knew one thing: she didn’t want their friendship to end that way. She had to talk to him. She just had to.

---

Syaoran was growing worried. It has been almost a month since Sakura has passed a rough draft. It didn’t take her this long to finish writing her novel and sending it to him for proofreading.

But he can’t let her know that. She can’t find out that he still holds a torch for her. After all, everything had been spoken for between the both of them. After all that had been said and done, what was there left for them to talk about?

He said he’d let her go, and even if it was the hardest thing for him to do, he will do it. He has already given up—now, if he could only get a move on with his life.

If he could only replace her memories with that of someone else.

He called their middle man, but he said he had not heard from Sakura for a long time, either.

And Syaoran felt, somehow, that his worry had been not without basis.

Something’s wrong.

And though he was dying to find out for himself, he can’t do so. As a matter of fact, he had to leave office early today to meet his date.

Sighing, he willed himself to forget Sakura and walked out of the office.

---

Sakura dashed off, her novel manuscript in hand. She knew the office was already closed, but she was hoping she’d catch Syaoran in his office still. She knew him well enough to know he spends late evenings in the office. As a matter of fact, every time she called him then to rescue her, he had been busy working himself overtime.

She didn’t care if the novel she was carrying wasn’t even finished yet. She just had to have a reason to see him.

But Syaoran wasn’t in the office anymore. She arrived in time to see his car drive off the parking lot.

Frowning, she went and asked the security guard where he was headed, but the guard just shrugged before resuming his rounds.

She felt so disappointed she wanted to cry.

She tried his house, the Li mansion, but his car wasn’t there either.

Finally accepting that she couldn’t see him just yet that night, Sakura resolved to come by his office the next day.

She sat down on a park bench on the way home, smiling to her self as she saw the stall where they bought the late-night snack takoyaki they ate together.

She had so much fun then, she realized.

Now she was plain miserable.

She was about to leave when she heard voices. She smiled. Other people seemed to have discovered their secret spot, then, she thought.

She stood up, willing to leave the unaware couple alone when she heard the man’s voice much clearer.

“...nice night, isn’t it?”

The girl (or woman) answered some polite murmur but it merely passed through her head. She can’t be mistaken. She knew that voice, had known it since forever.

Li Syaoran. And the fact that he was with a girl suddenly made it difficult to breathe.

She was glad she was hidden by a nearby shrub as she saw them: they were sprawled on top of Syaoran’s sleek black car as they stared at the sky. The woman was tall, elegant and sophisticated. She was very beautiful, Sakura thought bitterly, her heart in her throat as she watched them; Syaoran had wrapped his arms around her and they admired the view in silence.

Then the woman turned and kissed Syaoran. That did it.

She ran off, unaware of the ruckus she had made, her tears trailing behind her.

She dropped her manuscript as she did so.

I can’t bear it, I just can’t. God, it hurts...it hurts right here, in my chest. Why is life so unfair?

---

Syaoran can’t say he was having fun. When Vera, Syaoran’s date for that night, kissed him, he felt nothing. Not even the slightest desire or spark of interest.

Vera was one of those girls who used to come and go in his life. He guessed she’s okay, but after Sakura she was awful company. She talked of nothing but lipstick shades and the latest fashion—he can’t even talk to her about the weather.

It was bloody hard to let Sakura go when he kept coming back to places which remind him of her more, he knew, but he can’t help it. Maybe in his subconscious, he wants to duplicate what they shared with someone else.

Only he can’t.

“Who’s there?” Vera suddenly said sharply as they broke the kiss because of a loud noise from one of the shrubs. She must have heard it, too.

He turned in time to see someone running away, her back turned to them. Damned if she wasn’t familiar. He only had to look at her and know it was Sakura.

Sakura.

What was she doing here? He thought as he jumped off and dashed after her, but she was too quick with much of a head start as well.

“Sakura!” He called, but she didn’t turn back.

He looked down at his feet and saw an envelope labeled: A Twist in Paradise. It must be her new book.

She’d gone to see me?

He looked at the synopsis of the book and frowned. The names were familiar. Xian Long and Saicha.

Ah, yes. Paradise, the controversial book. He looked at the title again and frowned.

What the hell is going on?

---

Syaoran had taken Vera home and now he sat in his office, his mind whirling.

His head ached so badly he was afraid it was going to explode.

It began when he read Sakura’s message to the readers.

Dear reader, it started. This isn’t an ordinary novel. If you will recall (if you have read it), these are the same names as the protagonists in Paradise, the best friends Saicha and Xian Long. Many have applauded my story, apparently, but I guess I have to rectify some mistakes I made.

You see, Xian Long is based on someone who used to be dear to me. We had a falling out. Maybe I’m making amends, maybe I’m not, but this time, I want to share with you what will happen now between Saicha and Xian Long, if they cannot be friends.

I would also like you to meet a new character...whose name you’ll find out later. Happy reading.

He can’t believe it.

He browsed through the manuscript, flicking it to and fro.

He still can’t believe it. The story was unfinished, but the message was clear: she wanted Saicha and Xian Long to end up together this time.

She just didn’t know how it’s going to happen. Frankly, he has no idea either. But he guessed the best way to start is to talk with her.

For the first time in weeks, he smiled without the slightest bitterness.

There’s hope for us, after all. I still love you, you know.