Everything You Want- Chapter Seven

Everything you want

Witch-Mistress-Animaru

A/N: Verses inspired by Vertical Horizon’s Everything You Want

P.S. It’s taking all my willpower not to give up on writing fiction. This is quite an insidious turn from writing nonfiction feature articles. Insidious because I fear that I have written nonfiction for so long, with all its rigidity in structure and I cannot easily revert to the fanciful language of fiction, and I also worry that I might intermingle the two and confuse them. Bear with me if some words become trite as we progress—I’ll try my best to remember all the rules of fiction as I write.

7: Taking what she wants

(A little honesty)

“I’ll be standing at the edge of the earth

Hoping that one day you’ll be back again.”

- Standing at the edge of the earth, Blessed Union of Souls

“I’ve got a riddle for you...

There’s a reason for the word you and I.”

-The riddle, Five for Fighting

“And she said I...I just love you

I don’t know why, I just do.”

- I Just Love You, Five for Fighting

He’s nothing that I want; not what I thought I need

Yet he’s everything inside of me that I wish someone else would be

I think he says all the wrong things, at exactly the wrong time

Yet he means everything to me and I don’t know why...

Green eyes stared blankly, unblinkingly at the ceiling as Sakura lay in bed, her brain an aching mass of flesh within her head, her heart beating steadily and dully at her chest.

Last night kept playing in her mind’s eye, like an annoying movie she can’t shut off.

A beautiful woman—not girlish-looking like she was, but beautiful in the true sense of the word, was kissing her best friend. Supposed best friend, that is. Until said best friend confessed unrequited love not so long ago.

And to think she believed him, truly believed him. How he must have laughed if he knew how she lost nights of sleep over his stupid confession.

We can’t be friends anymore…

I won’t be content with that…

And, a treacherous voice inside her brain wheezed out as if to taunt her and haunt her, think of it, what would an ordinary girl like you have to offer a man like Li Syaoran—a man who has everything? You saw it—he can have any girl he wants. He’s just decided to make a conquest out of you. Compared to his women, you are nothing, nothing…

…except that she was his best friend. Or was that another of his pretenses?

Yet she saw what she did as the truth she was seeking. She, Kinomoto Sakura, can only aspire for as much as prettiness, while his past conquests had been legendary beauties—women of the world, sophisticated, elegant.

She was anything but elegant, clumsy even—a complete klutz who hated being the center of attention.

Stop moping, Sakura, she scolded herself. Don’t you pride in being unique, being your own person? There are too many artifices in the world and you aren’t one of them. You should be grateful—someday soon, didn’t you believe that someone would find your mere novelty a real treasure? So why are you so upset about not being a dazzling beauty?

Yet her stupid heart won’t listen. For in truth, it wasn’t her appearance that depressed her.

It was the sight of Syaoran with another that induced this feeling of wretched helplessness—or was it helpless wretchedness? She didn’t know the difference anymore.

It was just so like her to escape even deciding how she felt.

It was just so pathetic that she very nearly laughed to hysterics.

It will pass.

No it won’t, and you know it.

It certainly will pass. I never fancied myself in love with Syaoran.

Go and fool yourself, if it eases your pain.

Yet she cannot lie anymore—not to anyone, even herself. For even denial has lost its healing powers.

She loved him—loved Li Syaoran with all her heart.

--

The executives of Aishou were in the middle of a meeting, with Li Syaoran presiding over them. For the past five years or so, since Syaoran became the CEO of the top publishing house in Japan, everyone felt confident that he will be able to do his duty without problems. That is, no one contested his leadership—they had few scruples and qualms over his way of running things.

Today, however, as the well-respected Li Syaoran’s eyes slid continually sideways, looking a little dazed as his attention strayed on anywhere but the meeting, executive members of the board started to get annoyed with the childish behavior emanating from a supposedly-dignified head executive.

Li Syaoran was aware of the way they were gazing at him, but he was impervious from all antagonistic looks and efforts to bring his thoughts back to the meeting.

He was too busy contemplating his own future to worry about raising the ire of his colleagues. He was awake all night thinking of how to talk to Sakura now and get her to admit how she felt—if it was indeed true.

One of his associates cleared his throat. “Li-san, what do you say to this expansion proposal?”

“Huh?” was his reply, and as he straightened in his seat he cannot help but see the awestruck looks in every associate’s face—except his mother’s, who was seated at the other end of the conference table. Li Yelan was regarding her son with amused exasperation on her face.

“Chan-san is asking your opinion on the expansion, Syaoran,” she said softly, eyeing him carefully.

When Syaoran continued to look bemused, Yelan decided to take matters to her own hands.

“Gentlemen, I believe we need to settle this another time—my son has an important…ah, matter to take care of that we cannot forgo. I trust we can wait on his decision afterward?”

The executives mumbled incoherent assents before agreeing to adjourn the meeting.

Li Syaoran did not stir from his seat, apparently unaware that the meeting has been adjourned.

“Syaoran…Syaoran!” He looked up, bewildered to see that only his mother was left in the conference room.

“Wha—where did they go? Is it finished?”

“Yes, since you were unable to grace us with your presence, we decided to break early. Really, what has gotten to you today?”

“Nothing,” he said, already dashing off after having rechecked his briefcase.

“Where are you going, young man?” Yelan nearly shrieked, but she was already talking to his back before the door swung shut after him.

Really, now…

--

Sakura sat all fidgety in a coffee shop not far from Aishou. She had just garnered enough strength to get out of bed and walk in the building to see Li Syaoran, but she turned chicken the last minute, running out of the parking lot before anyone she knew could spot her.

Out of sheer habit, she found herself walking towards the coffee shop she’d graced since forever with Syaoran during lunch. As if her nerves needed any more stretching, she just informed the barista in the counter that she wanted “the usual,” which translated to an ultra-strong cup of espresso. Those were the days when she spent the whole night on a date and she slept only a few hours before prancing on to tell Syaoran the sordid details of a night gone wrong, and she relied on “good ol’ coffee” to perk her up to shape.

So here she was, brooding over a cup of coffee as she contemplated her dulling head and her heart still beating erratically. Here she was, so close and yet so far from him.

She knew his schedule by heart, so he’s probably on the middle of a meeting now, she estimated.

And since she was anything but prepared to see him after that awkward episode last night, she best left now before she bumped into him—she’d certainly blurt incoherent stuff out, and she won’t be able to face him again.

--

Syaoran had been watching her for a while now, unsure whether he ought to approach her—unsure if his presence might alarm her and cause her to bolt, away from him.

She looked so—so disheveled, so out of her element as she sat in the shop, trying her best to finish her drink though she looked like she might throw it up.

She was so thin, her hair in disarray and her face looking stricken, as if she has been crying. She looked scarcely like the professional she was, rather she was so childlike, the way her lips were trembling. He can’t help but feel the urge to wrap his arms around her and take her away from whatever had caused her pain.

Suddenly she stood up, and he very nearly bumped his head on the ceiling of his car as he did the same.

Did she sense him watching her, causing her alarm?

He watched her walk on, apparently caught in her own thoughts that she did not see him alight from the car and approach her.

When she did see him, he felt her tension build—he was almost afraid she’d walk away, but she did not. She stood there, as if transfixed by his appearance.

“Sakura—” he began, forgetting his oath to never call her by her given name again, uncertain of what to say, for he knew, one wrong move, one wrong word could send her sprinting away from him, her trust thoroughly shattered.

--

Sakura thought she might faint at the sight of Li Syaoran coming forward, obviously toward her.

He called her name, and there was no escape.

“Hello,” she replied with a steadiness she did not feel at all.

“I—” he broke off, clearing his throat. “Sakura…are you mad at me?”

Her gaze flew to his face in surprise. “Why—why should I be mad?”

“Aren’t you?” He asked as he approached until she was at arm’s length, his breath fanning her face as he looked at her, wreaking havoc to her senses.

“I am not…” her voice trailed off. Since when did we become strangers? “Did you…by any chance…” her voice was tiny as she asked, “find my manuscript yesterday? I seem to have dropped it.”

Syaoran knew then that Sakura will not relent if he said he had deciphered the story quite easily so, and that he saw for himself that she had—even against her will—found herself in love with him, so he answered as gently as he could. “I have, yes, but I found out it was an incomplete manuscript.”

“I…couldn’t seem to find an appropriate ending for it,” she admitted, not meeting his eyes.

“What do you say we discuss this over dinner tonight?”

“Dinner?”

“Since it is past lunchtime, and the street is hardly an appropriate place to discuss…such matters, maybe we can do so later?”

“I…” she felt breathless all of a sudden as she mustered an answer. “Yes, that would be fine.”

“I’ll see you later then,” he said before he took a step back and bid her farewell.

--

“So you agreed to go,” Tomoyo said, and if only Sakura wasn’t too busy moping, she’d have seen the triumphant matchmaking gleam in her cousin’s eyes.

“Oh, it was stupid of me to have done so. What am I going to do?”

“First, you need to calm down.”

“Calm down?” She very nearly shrieked. “I…I can’t explain it, but I feel like I am some high-strung wire whenever he is around…”

All the more better, Tomoyo thought as she gazed at her cousin’s panic-stricken face.

“..This has never happened to me before, Tomoyo! Why do I act like an idiot around him now, for God’s sake, when I have known him for months, years even and we got along just fine! Now I cannot even string two words together. He must think I’m some blundering, stupid idiot now…”

“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong, Sakura-chan. Li thinks many things of you, but never an idiot.”

“But then….oh, my God, I realized I have always been a klutz around him. What will he think of me now? Oh, dear…”

“Klutz? After all the times you’ve spent in his company, you worry about him thinking you’re a klutz? He endured you that long? Oh, dear, you are really a gem, Sakura-chan. Now, don’t worry your pretty head, you need to control yourself. Don’t lose your head again, if you know what I mean. Besides,” Tomoyo added with a hint of smile on her voice, “you know I’m going to help you prepare for tonight, so don’t worry.”

“Oh, dear, I’d rather not…”

But prepare they did, anyway, and by the time Tomoyo was through with her, Sakura was donned in a pretty green dress which, according to Tomoyo, brought out the color of her eyes more. She remained perfectly still as Tomoyo fixed her hair and makeup, fearing that if she took one step in the three-inch stilettos Tomoyo put her in, she’d stumble and lose what little grace her dress lent her tonight.

“Now, Sakura, don’t hunch your shoulders like that, it isn’t at all flattering.”

“I can’t help it,” she said, twiddling her thumbs as she stood before the mirror.

“Stay put, will you, I’m not quite done with you yet—there, these emeralds have the effect I wanted. You look ravishing, cousin,” Tomoyo said as she stared at the mirror and scowled. “If only you’d stop looking like a nervous wreck.”

Sakura’s lips were trembling, her eyes wide, that she looked so much like a woman in shock—no, make that a child in shock.

“I’m ugly,” she squealed. “He…he won’t even look at me now,” she added, trying so hard to compose herself and failing quite dismally.

“Baka,” Tomoyo said with amused countenance. “You know that’s not true,” she added as she swept a stray lock of auburn hair from Sakura’s face. “Believe me, you have nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.”

--

Syaoran was sharing her same doubts that same moment.

It was insane to even consider meeting her now. But he had to clear off things with her.

First off, the little matter of Vera, and the issues between them…

…then he can get down to the little matter of Saicha and Xian Long.

So he went and fetched her and very nearly got knocked out by the mere sight of her.

Sakura was everything he ever wanted.

And it was so ironic that she was the one thing that he still cannot attain.

Tomoyo led her cousin downstairs and handed her over to her latest date with a slightly warning smile, as if telling him to take care of her or else.

As if he’ll do anything less than take care of Sakura.

He smiled reassuringly before he took her hand, which he noted was clammy and rather shaking.

As they sat in a rather fancy restaurant, Syaoran cannot help but remember that first day—the day everything changed for him, the day he called Kinomoto Sakura to congratulate her on her best book yet.

“Do you remember the day we met—I mean, truly met?”

“What?” Sakura answered, disconcerted from his abrupt questioning. Then she smiled serenely. “I think you were bludgeoning about the office, asking who wrote nonsense on some important paper. I very nearly swept my office clean then, scurrying away from you.”

“I…yeah, well, that was…not really, I was remembering the day I called you to come up my office just to congratulate you.”

“Oh, I remember…yes, I was a bit apprehensive about that. But you…you weren’t what I thought you would be, like some ill-mannered, high-handed oaf…”

They both laughed.

“And then…and then you offered to take me to lunch! Of all the places—hey,” she said, loosening up further. “This was the place.”

He grinned, and suddenly it felt like old times again, except…

“My dear Miss Sakura Kinomoto, may we start all over again?”

TBC