Chapter 2
--FIVE DAYS EARLIER
Sakura picked up the ringing phone by her bed.
"Hello?"
"Sakura, hey." Tomoyo coughed discreetly into the phone. "I’ve got some bad news. I don’t think I’m going to make it for shopping today."
Sakura almost dropped the phone. Never in her life had she heard Tomoyo utter those words.
"Tomoyo, are you all right? Are you sick?"
"I think so yeah. It’s not much, just a sore throat, but I don’t want to strain it. It’s better to play it safe."
"Of course. Do you want me to come over? We can just make some chicken soup and hang out, watch some videos."
"Thanks, but no. I wouldn’t want you to catch it. And besides, I’m probably just going to take a nap this afternoon anyway. I’ll see you at school tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay. Bye." Sakura hung up the phone, feeling disconcerted. They were supposed to go shopping for material for Tomoyo’s birthday dress that day. And she’d never known Tomoyo to sit back and relax when there was an outfit to be finished.
I hope she’s all right.
*****
Kagami Daidouji watched an angelfish dart across the aquarium and gulp its food.
"I’m so happy that you decided you wanted to spend the day with me, honey. I know that this is all still a little sudden for you."
"It’s okay," she answered. "I thought you might enjoy this. The aquarium is the pride and joy of Tomoeda. I’ve been here a lot."
"It’s beautiful. Are you sure that you didn’t have anything else to do, though? I can wait, if you’ve got other plans."
"Nope." She patted his hand on the railing by the glass. "I didn’t have anything at all to do." His eyes crinkled a little as he smiled at her.
"Well, it means a lot to me. Thank you."
"You’re welcome." He looked so happy, and she had to smile as they continued down the corridor. It felt so strange being so important to someone. They were coming up on the penguin exhibit now.
It’s not that I think Sakura doesn’t think of me as important, she reflected. She needed my help on more than one capture, including here, with the Watery Card. I know she appreciates me. It’s just…she doesn’t look at me that way that she looks at Li. That way that says she’d die if anything ever happened to him, that look that says he’s the sun that she rotates around. Nobody’s ever looked at me that way. Even my own mother didn’t look back when she pulled out of the driveway yesterday, right before my birthday.
Then she shook her head.
Stop it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve got everything a girl could want, and there’s no point in pitying yourself for what never was and never will be. Besides…
She watched her father clap for the penguin’s trainer, then turn to her with a big smile on her face.
Besides, there are some people who do appreciate me. My dad sees me.
*****
Her father wasn’t the only one watching her. Eriol leaned against the wall as he watched her gaze at the penguins. He was studying her, studying her as the people around him studied the aquariums.
There she is, the ordinary, normal girl that I cannot get my mind off of. What is it about her? There’s a sinuous grace to her step, and subtle beauty in the way she flips her long hair over her shoulder. But that’s not it. She fascinates me.
She asked me why I kissed her. I’m still not sure. I remember that evening, the evening of Sakura’s fourteenth birthday. I remember how she smiled blithely at Li and Sakura kissing, how she graciously walked them to the front door of her house, and saw them walk off and leave her, hand in hand. I could feel the prickings of pain in her pleasure at the sight of them together. And I was intrigued.
Tomoyo turned away from the penguins to continue into another room. He followed, his eyes never leaving her.
I can feel her in my mind. I could feel her that evening, the quiet and deep river that made no sound, no matter how much pain and loneliness was flowing through it. How much would it take, I wondered, how much would it take to break up that still surface? Could I make rapids? I wanted to know, and so I kissed her. But it didn’t break the surface. I came close, I think. I surprised her. But she fought, and she kept the emotion on the inside. So now I’m here again, because of her. She drew me back, I’m hungry for the challenge.
He was coming closer to her now, unable to keep his distance. He wanted to smell that scent again, savor her nearness.
I’ve tasted her, I’ve known her. That was not the challenge. She liked it, but she wouldn’t admit it. She wants me, but she won’t say it. There is the challenge. Can I push this girl, this woman, into passion? Can I do what no one else has ever even attempted?
Tomoyo frowned at her reflection in the glass. Was it her imagination or –
She whirled around, but there was no one.
I could swear he was right there behind me. I must be losing my mind. I’ve got to stop thinking about him.
*****
The rest of the day was great. After the aquarium, they went out for dinner, at a lovely outdoor café. She entertained him with childhood stories, trying to fill him in on what he’d missed. It was rather annoying to have to omit the best stories, the card captures, but she wasn’t ready to divulge that much to him. Even Sakura’s own father didn’t know yet.
It was late in the evening when he dropped her off at the front gate.
"This is as far as I go, honey. I can’t have your mother seeing me with you, you know."
"Well, actually - " She hesitated.
"What?"
"This is fine. Thanks for the lift." There wasn’t really any need to say that her mother was out of town. That was information best kept quiet for now. "And for the wonderful day. I had a really great time."
"Me too. I hope we can do it again real soon."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight." Seized with a sudden impulse, she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. It was something she’d seen Sakura do with her father a hundred times over the years, and she’d never once been able to kiss her own father like that. And now she could. And she saw, upon pulling back, that it had made him smile. It felt good, and she was smiling too as she got out of the car and began the walk up the long and winding driveway.
What a nice day. I’m glad I called him yesterday after all. This is working out rather well. I guess sometimes it does pay to take a chance.
She entered the house and climbed up the richly carpeted stairs. Her mind was already turning forward to what she might do next with him, and whether she ought to tell Sakura about him. Eriol was the last thing on her mind, so it was something of a shock when she opened her bedroom door to see him standing by the window.
"Hello."
This time she didn’t scream, but glared darkly at him and slammed her door.
"What do you think you’re doing here?"
"Learning. A great deal." He nodded toward her home theatre and the stacks of videos on the floor. She gasped indignantly.
"You’ve been watching my movies? Those are private!"
"I helped create the special effects for those movies, if you’ll remember. Those were my cards, once. I think I earned a glimpse. They’re very good."
"I know."
As if she needed praise from someone like him. She put her purse down on the dresser and crossed her arms.
"You have no right to be here. Get out."
He paid no attention, but turned back to what he’d been examining when she first walked in.
"I suppose this is the dress-making corner of the room."
"Brilliant conclusion." Anybody could have figured that one out. Two mannequins kept watch over the piles of scrap material and old design sketches. A glittering frost of discarded needles covered the floor. Carefully he stepped around one of the headless busts, tracing his hand across its chest.
"I suppose this one is yours. It’s a little too voluptuous for Sakura’s body."
"Don’t touch that."
"Does anyone ever buy you a dress, Tomoyo?"
"Why would they? Everybody knows I like to make my own."
"Mm-hmm." He turned back to her and started to cross the room. Quickly she stepped around behind her bed.
"Don’t come any closer. I’m warning you."
"Or you’ll do what? Start taping me? Start making a dress?" There was a predatory smile on his face as he gripped one of the bed posters and swung around the corner.
"Stay away from me," she threatened.
"You don’t want me to stay away from you."
"Stop saying that! What happened yesterday was a mistake. I didn’t want it. You were wrong to do it."
"I wasn’t the only one involved."
"You held me down."
"You liked it."
"I didn’t. You scared me. You’re scaring me now."
"Then scream already. You’ve got plenty of bodyguards downstairs. Scream, and they’ll be up here in a minute. I won’t have time to get away. I don’t have any more magic, at least not the kind you attack with." He kept coming closer. She’d backed into the wall now, trapped between her night table and the bed.
"Go ahead."
She was silent.
"That’s what I thought. You want what’s about to happen between us. You’re just afraid to admit it. Go ahead and say it, Tomoyo. Say that you want me." He was so close now that she could feel his breath, light and tickling, on her face. He’d gotten much taller over the past couple of years; she was looking directly at his shirt collar. Still she said nothing.
Eriol reached up to stroke her thick hair back from her face. She was starting to tremble.
"Talk to me."
"I didn’t want any of this."
"Yet it is here. Accept it. Embrace it. Quit trying to hang onto somebody that you thought you were."
"I am her."
"I will show you how very wrong you are." He pushed her lightly down on the bed and climbed on top of her.
*****
It was even better than the last time. Or worse, depending on which way you looked at it. She was panting when he finally rolled off her, and she had to wait until her heartbeat slowed before talking.
"I didn’t want that."
"Right." His tone was rich with disbelief.
"And I didn’t want it yesterday, either. You had no right. I was saving myself until I was married."
"To who?" he snorted.
She rolled over to look at the moon outside the window, and didn’t answer.
"Tell me, Tomoyo, have you ever been on a single date?"
"Plenty of guys have asked me out."
"That wasn’t my question. Come to think of it, have you ever even kissed anyone besides me?"
She was twisting the sheets in her hands now.
"Well, there you are. I’m the only man in your life that’s even dared to kiss you. Marriage was not exactly in the works. I’m probably the only man who will ever get this far with you. So why not enjoy it?"
She bit her lip at his words, so plain and blunt and painful to hear. Every syllable was ringing with truth.
"Stop talking like that."
"Why? Does it make you angry?" He rubbed his hand lightly down the side of her body, following her curves in the moonlight. She didn’t answer, but her muscles tensed a little under his touch.
"Just go away. Just leave me alone."
"I can’t do that," he murmured, and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close to nestle with him.
I don’t have to tolerate this, she thought. This is my bed. I should sleep how I please. Alone, preferably.
But it felt nice. Eriol was very strong, and it was kind of cozy to be wrapped in his muscular arms.
What if he’s right? What if I never meet a man up to my standards? Will I marry someone, just to be married, like Mom did? Will he know? Will he suspect that I love someone else, never understanding who it is? What kind of life is that?
She felt a bleak depression coming on, and she struggled not to cry. She would not cry here, with him in her bed.
I’ve known for years. I’ve known that she loves him and not me. I thought this was old news. But I think I’m only just now waking up to it. It’s forever.
That was the last thought she had before slipping into an exhausted sleep. She was saved from her loneliness; she was blessedly ignorant of the pain in her slumber. She didn’t feel Eriol’s light kiss on her face, and his fingertips brush across her lips. And she didn’t hear him whisper in her ear.
"I want you to love."
--FOUR DAYS EARLIER
Tomoyo had woken suddenly that morning, alone in bed. The window was open slightly, and she was cold. It was the cold that had woken her.
She glared at her reflection in the mirror on her locker door.
He couldn’t have left a note. No. Trust him to try to be subtle and devious about his messages. I’m cold and alone. Fine. I get it. It’s not like I’m that clueless.
Carefully she examined her image, trying to smooth back her hair. Would anyone notice? Would anyone suspect?
There was a hint of a bite mark on her neck near her collar, and she got out her compact.
I can’t believe I let him do it again. What is wrong with me? What’s happening to me? I don’t know who I am anymore, and that’s scaring me. I’m always the one that knows. And yet…
She could still feel exactly where he had caressed her the evening before, exactly where he had touched and where he had not. Her skin tingled still, despite vigorous scrubbing in the shower. The light touch of her fingers on her neck as she applied her makeup was taking her back, making her remember how he had kissed her neck. Lightly at first, and then harder and harder, until –
"Hi Tomoyo. Something wrong with your neck?" She jumped a little. Li was right beside her, staring at her curiously.
Men have got to stop sneaking up on me. This is getting a little old.
"What – what do you mean?" she asked nervously.
"You were staring at it in the mirror like you were starting to grow a second head."
"Oh, no. Nope, nothing’s wrong with it." She shut her compact with a snap and stuffed it in her purse. "Can I help you with something?"
"We agreed that we were going to meet in class a little early to go over the notes from last week. Remember?"
"Oh yeah. Um, one minute." She started to comb through the papers in her locker. Where had she put them? She had to hurry, that she’d even forgotten this was already suspect. Every second that ticked by only added to her apparent guilt.
"How are you feeling? Sakura said that you were a little sick yesterday."
"I’m fine. Never better." At last she found the right folder and slammed her locker door shut. "Everything is just fine."
*****
I can’t believe we’re doing this.
Tomoyo had to suppress a nervous giggle as Eriol pressed her down on the teacher’s desk, unbuttoning her school blouse, pushing up her skirt.
"Say it," he whispered in her ear. "Say that you want it. You need it, and you know it. Say it, Tomoyo…Daidouji."
"Daidouji-san? Daidjouji-san?"
"Huh?" She was startled out of her daydream to see the teacher frowning at her. The whole class was staring at her.
"The reading? If you please?"
She sent a panicky look to Sakura, who was wide-eyed with astonishment like everyone else. Tomoyo never let her attention drift in class.
"Line fifteen," Li finally hissed.
She sent him a look of pure gratitude and stood to recite. Sakura was still frozen in shock, staring at her best friend, and Li narrowed his eyes.
Tomoyo isn’t acting sick. She’s acting…strange. What’s going on here?
He rubbed the back of his head thoughtfully. For the past couple days, he’d been aware of a persistent tingling in his mind. There was a familiar presence, he thought, but he wasn’t sure. Sakura hadn’t mentioned sensing anything.
Is there some kind of connection?
*****
Sakura laid a hand on Tomoyo’s forehead at the lunch table.
"Hmm…you feel awfully warm. Are you sure you’re not sick, Tomoyo? You didn’t sound so hot on the phone yesterday."
"I’m not sick," Tomoyo said impatiently. "I wish everybody would stop fussing over me so. As if no one’s ever daydreamed in class before."
"Not you," Li said pointedly. "Not ever."
She flushed a little and looked away from his penetrating eyes. Sakura was predictably clueless about stuff like this; Tomoyo wasn’t worried about her at all. But Li was a different story entirely.
"I’m just distracted. Thinking about my dress. That’s all."
He couldn’t know. Nobody could know. What on earth would they say?
"Well don’t worry yourself sick about it for goodness’ sake," Sakura sighed. "It’s just a party, after all. You shouldn’t stress about things so much."
Tomoyo almost laughed out loud at that. She’d like to see anybody go through what she’d been through over the past few days, and not stress about it. But instead she just nodded.
"I know, Sakura. I think I’ll just go splash some cold water on my face." She stood abruptly and went back inside the school.
Inside the bathroom with a little privacy, she relaxed.
I can’t believe I’m falling apart like this. You’d think I didn’t know how to keep a secret. Didn’t I keep quiet about the cards, through all the captures and transformations? Didn’t I keep silent about Li’s feelings for Sakura? It’s amazing how much harder it is when the secret is about you.
She stared at her reflection, at those wide violet eyes that looked so like her father’s.
I’m coming apart at the seams. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I just want things to be back the way they were.
She shivered as she remembered the previous night.
And yet I don’t.
I hate this.
*****
Tomoyo couldn’t tear her eyes away from the two of them. She’d seen Sakura and Li kiss a hundred times, it was no big deal. But now she felt different.
It was always a feeling of happiness, with a little sadness mixed in. Pained pleasure. But now as I watch them, I can only think of him. What he did to me. How he did it to me.
Lightly she rubbed her hand across her chest as she watched them.
I can stop wondering how it feels, I guess.
Li pulled away from the kiss and saw her over Sakura’s head. She was staring at them, but when she saw him looking she quickly turned her head.
He frowned as he put a possessive arm around Sakura.
Something is up with her. And I want to know what it is.
*****
"Tomoyo, wait up." Li hurried to catch up with her as she strode across the parking lot. "Where are you going?"
"I don’t know, Li. I thought maybe that place where I sleep and eat. Otherwise known as home."
"Why don’t you come and have dinner with us? We’re headed to that little café down the street from Sakura’s." She was refusing to look into his eyes, he could see. Instead she concentrated on rooting around in her purse for her keys.
"No thanks, Li. I need to get home and do my homework."
"We didn’t have any homework today."
"Um, well, I need to get back to work on my dress. I’ve barely begun and I only have a few days." At last she reached her car and started to unlock it. Li put a hand over the door to prevent her from opening it. "Do you mind?"
"Tomoyo, you know that I care about you. A lot." Frowning, she met his eyes at last.
"Yes, Li, I know."
"You know that if you’re in some kind of trouble or anything, I’d want to help. Right?"
"Yes, I know. But I’m not in any trouble, Li. Stop looking for demons where there are none." She brushed his hand off her car so she could open the door. "You don’t need to worry about me. I know how to take care of myself."
He knew that she did. But he still didn’t like the look in her eyes. She was hiding something.
"I’ll see you tomorrow, Li. Bye now." She slammed the car door shut with a particular vehemence.
He watched the luxurious BMW pull out and speed toward the parking lot entrance.
Tomoyo, Tomoyo. We’ve been friends for how many years? Surely you know that I don’t give up that easily. Surely you know by now how stubborn I truly am.
"Hey, Syaoran!" Sakura skipped up to him. "Ready to go?"
"Change of plans, Sakura. Something’s come up. Will you forgive me if I back out? It’s important."
"Oh…" She pouted a little, but she could see the urgent worry in his eyes. "Well, I guess if it’s important. I’ll see you tomorrow."
They shared a quick kiss.
"Bye now."
"Bye."
*****
Tomoyo stepped out of the shower, rubbed herself dry, and began to smooth on her lavender lotion. Would he come that night? She wasn’t sure, and she wasn’t sure whether she wanted it or not.
All the same, she forwent her typical sleepwear of cotton pajamas. Instead she picked out an ivory satin negligee that had been a Christmas present last year from Sakura. She’d never worn it once. Why would she?
Still, she couldn’t help admiring herself in the mirror a little when it was on. The shimmering material was in stark contrast to her thick black hair, and it accentuated her curves perfectly.
I’m only wearing this because it’s comfortable. That’s all. It looks nice. So what? There’s no law against looking nice when you go to bed. It doesn’t mean a thing.
Nervously she perched on the edge of her bed, looking at the window. She couldn’t really remember whether she’d locked it that morning when she shut it. She knew she should get up and check, make sure she locked it. Yet she didn’t move. She didn’t want to know whether it was locked or not, because if she discovered that it was locked, she was afraid that she might unlock it. That would be an admission, pure and simple.
And she wasn’t ready to admit that she wanted him to come.
*****
Li sighed and laid his head on his arm against the sturdy tree branch. The pink was fading from the sky and it was starting to get chilly. He wished he knew why he was here in a tree, staking out Tomoyo’s window like this. The whole thing was ridiculous, when he thought about it. The day’s occurrences were fading from his mind, and he was thinking how rational Tomoyo was, how logical and sensible. It was probably stupid to have come out here and done this. But he couldn’t help it. Tomoyo was his friend, and he owed her. He had to make sure she was all right. He would stay there the whole damn night if he had to.
*****
It’s ridiculous that I’m just sitting here on my bed, waiting for him. Why am I doing this? My birthday is in a few days, and I’ve barely started my dress. I should at least be working on that. Not just sitting here, watching the stars and moon come out. I’ve never sat around while there was an outfit to be completed. Yet here I am.
Tomoyo lay down on her bed and hugged one of her old stuffed animals, clutching it tightly to her. The moon was already almost out of sight as it climbed up in the sky, up past her window. It was almost full tonight. A few more nights, and it would be totally there.
She watched it slide up past her window. The stars were becoming more numerous. And still she waited.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
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