Of the Hour Glass
Written by - Aesha
You can find her here! - http://www.fanfiction.net/u/462377/Aesha
‹COMPLETE› It's never easy loving someone you know you can't possibly have, but it's ten times more impossible to forget someone you had loved dearly. Love is like a continually shattering mirror that always leaves behind images etched in people’s hearts.
· ´ · . ¸ . · ° Of the Hourglass ° · ´ · . ¸ . ·
We can never turn back the pages of time.
Though we may wish to relive a happy moment,
Or say good-bye just one last time, we never can
Because the sands of time continue to fall.
And we can't turn the hourglass over.
I asked the professor why she had given me a low grade for my short response, and she turned to look at me with a vacant stare. "Because you failed to complete the task I asked you to," she articulated in a monotone voice. "You provided a good response, but the point of the assignment wasn't to see how well you write. I wanted to see how well you understand the things that you write."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Read me your response," she said, calmly, leaning back into her chair. "Then, honestly, tell me you know what its meaning is."
I held the flimsy paper in front of me before clearing my throat. I started reading slowly.
What is love?
Love is a four-letter word found in Webster's dictionary and described as:
LOVE n. A strong feeling of affection; fondness; tender affection for someone; to feel or show love for; to caress; to be loved.
Love is like a continually shattering mirror that always leaves behind images etched in people’s hearts; but it will remain a mystery forever. The heart has reasons that reason doesn't understand.
Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity; eternity can be the tick of a clock.
Or the sands of an hourglass.
My voice had dropped several notches when I finished reading the paper. The woman seemed pleased by the expression I had on my face. For the first time in my entire life, I felt powerless standing before someone. Her eyes peered at me sharply as though she was trying to breach through my soul.
"How do you expect to become a writer in the future when you can't understand what you are writing? You may drop out of my class any time you want," the red-haired woman held a stern expression on her face. “You are only wasting time, yours and mine."
From the look in her eyes, I could tell that she enjoyed seeing others admit defeat and was anticipating for my own surrender. But I wasn't going to give her the glory to see me fall.
No. I've been fighting all my life, fighting a certain something she could never understand—a darkness so horrible it could split Heaven and Hell. I wasn't going to give her, or anyone else for that matter, the satisfaction for breaking me when I've been fighting so hard to get to this point. It wasn't going to happen.
"No," I said to her. "But I'll keep your words in mind."
And with that, I turned around and walked away, like the weakling that I was.
As I started walking down the empty hall, I was forced to draw back to the professor's words. I never thought words could ever hurt me as much as the pain that I bore inside of me until that very moment when her words became venom to my mind. I started doubting my whole life; my beliefs, my self-esteem—all washed down the drain by a few words that came out of her mouth.
I have always thought of myself as a proficient writer—not great, just proficient. I knew enough to write, and writing was what I lived to do. I couldn’t imagine my life without writing, which was why I decided to major in English. Fourth year into college and I have never received a single critique from my past English professors. Everything had always been smooth sailing with the calm wind. People had never looked at me in the eyes and told me that I was an inadequate amateur, not worth their time at all.
Maybe I was an inadequate amateur…
When she wrote the assignment on the blackboard, I felt very confident in myself. I wanted to be the person that turned in a good paper on the first day of semester. I didn’t expect to see a big fat C on the right hand corner of my paper at the end of class. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement.
“Syaoran!” a voice called out of nowhere.
I snapped out of my thoughts and turned around to see who was calling for me. A small smirk spread across my face, seeing a very familiar face.
"So... how was first day of the semester?" the black-haired boy asked.
"You will never guess what happened."
"You just came out of Kaho-sensei's room, right?" I nodded, sighing to myself. "Not good news?"
I shoved my paper into his hands. "I never knew what a C looked like until today."
"What's wrong with your response?" he asked. "It looks good."
"She said I didn't understand the meaning behind it." I scoffed under my breath. "Damn. People didn't lie when they said she is the definition of 'impossible'."
"I warned you about taking Mizuki Kaho's class," the boy grinned smugly. “But it was a very wise decision. Mizuki Kaho was voted 'Author of the Year' for seven years in a row. Quite famous for her philosophical studies after she quit writing novels. By the way...” he suddenly wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Are you doing anything this afternoon?”
“Why?” I asked suspiciously.
“Some of the guys and I are going to go out, if you know what I mean.”
I snorted. “Sorry, but I have to go pick Sakura up.”
“Have you ever looked at another girl? It's always Sakura, Sakura, Sakura! It's like you live for Sakura or something.”
Hiiragizawa Eriol, if only you know how right you are.
When he sensed my silence, Eriol turned to look at me with concern written on his face. He removed his arm from my shoulder and said, “Syaoran...”
"I know, Eriol." I walked away quietly. "I know."
His steps slowly fell beside mine.
"Syaoran—"
"Sorry, but I have to go pick Sakura up." I broke him off before he could say the words I never wanted to hear from anyone, especially my best friend.
I quickly left the building and got into my car, not wanting to think about it any longer. I knew no matter how much thoughts I put into the matter, nothing would change. I turned on the engine and sped down the fast lane, drowning my thoughts behind the hard rock music playing on the radio. I let every shreds of thought faded into the darkness.
My phone rang while I was turning around a corner. "Where are you?" the voice said agitatedly on the other line.
"I'm here." I answered and flipped the phone close.
I pulled up beside the curb, rolling down the other passenger seat's window, and waved to the person I was always happy to see. She walked over to the car, shoving her phone back into her purse and shifting her books from one arm to the other.
"You're fifteen minutes late!" she started nagging as soon as she got into the car.
"I had some problems," I explained, putting the car into drive. "Did you have to wait long?"
She shook her head. "Not really. Syaoran, what's wrong?" she asked, removing a strand of auburn hair from her face.
"What?"
"You seem troubled."
"It's nothing," I said. "Don't worry about me, Sakura."
She gently slid her hand into mine. "Syaoran, a person like you will always need a person like me to worry about you. You should know that I cannot stop worrying about you, even if you tell me to.”
I looked at her from the corner of my eyes and tightened my grip on her hand, hoping the heavenly sensation would never end. No matter how hard I tried to set the thoughts aside, a small part of me wanted more. My body told me this felt so right, but my mind told me that it was wrong.
"I need you in more ways than you know, Sakura..." I said.
My deepest and darkest secret—I fell in love with my own sister.
- - - - -x-X-x- - - - -
Days continued to go by, then weeks, and gradually months. One season after the next, just like that, the days had gone by. Kaho-sensei didn't give up on me and neither did I. I graduated college about a year ago. Eriol, being the overly lucky guy, immediately got a job at one of the biggest press companies, and he became my editor like we'd always planned. Sakura entered her first year of college a few months ago.
I felt like we were drifting apart ever since she had sprouted her own wings. Everything changed. I didn't know why things changed, or when things started to change, but they did. And the changes were slowly tearing me apart.
It pained me every time to see her arms in arms with another man, like there was a boulder crushing down on my chest. My stomach stirred every time she shared her 'date' stories with me. I pretended to be happy, and I would pretend to smile on the outside. But, on the inside, I was dying as dry tears fell endlessly, covering my world in clouded shadows.
I'd always thought that we would be together forever, and that as long as we lived, we would never be apart. However, reality soon hit me that she would never belong to me alone. She will soon have a family of her own, someone else whom she will love. The thought frightened me.
The thought of not having her in my life anymore was unbearable.
My heart ached and rejoiced, revolving around the girl. I didn't want to lose her. That's why I did whatever I could to keep her to myself. Even if our relationship was to never be anything more than siblings, I wanted her to be with me only. Only me. But I knew that it was only wishful thinking.
I could hold onto her body forever, but her heart would never be mine. When I had realized this, I grew to accept fate as it is: I could only love her from afar.
I was simply lovesick without a reason or a cause.
- - - - -x-X-x- - - - -
"Syaoran, I am begging you to see a specialist!" the older woman cried out.
"I'm fine, Nakuru,” I said.
"As your doctor, I am telling you," she said, "you are not fine. Listen to me for once and see a specialist about your heart."
"It's still beating isn't it?"
She scorned at my remark. "Does Sakura know that you have a heart problem?" I didn't say anything. "You haven't told her yet."
"Not yet." I answered.
"Syaoran, you need to get a treatment. Arrhythmogenic RV Dysplasia will kill you."
"You're only guessing that," I said. "You haven't accurately diagnosed whether it's ARVD or not."
"Your first symptom might just be your last. Do you want to die the same way your brother did?"
How could I forget the day that Touya passed away? He was only 21 when he died of a heart attack. Touya's death was a shock to our family; I didn't know what was to become of our family. Sakura and I were still at the dependent stage when he passed away, also he and Nakuru had only been married for a few years.
Nakuru then took the responsibility of watching over Sakura and me. When I reached eighteen, we moved out and I got multiple part-time jobs to get the money to support us myself. I didn't want to continue to rely on the woman. I appreciated everything she had done for us, but it was about time she moved on to find her own happiness. Having Sakura and me with her would only remind her of our brother... her dead husband.
Touya... do you regret leaving behind the woman you love most?
"Syaoran, just make an appointment for next week... please."
I sighed. "Fine."
I didn't really care for my heart problem... whether I died because of it or not.
After all, I was already dying slowly inside of me, with or without the disease—my heart stopped beating a long time ago.
- - - - -x-X-x- - - - -
"Nii-chan, what are you working on now?" she had asked me one early morning.
I looked up from my morning coffee and paper. "Kaho-sensei asked me to give a speech in front of her class tomorrow."
"You need to take a break,” she stated rather calmly, bearing an unexpected hug.
I sipped my coffee slowly. "Are you suggesting something?"
"Let's go out today!" She practically dragged me out of my seat. "Just have fun today, Syaoran. You work too hard!"
I sighed reluctantly. "What do you want to do?"
"Let's go to the beach!"
"Beach?"
"We haven't been to the beach in a very long time," she pleaded quietly. "Please, Nii-chan?"
I could never say no to her, and so I agreed.
I sat on the soft sand as I watched her ran around in the water. She would turn back to look at me and smiled, her eyes were radiant and her smiles were sweet and tender. My heart beat faster and tumbled inside out whenever I looked upon her rose pink lips. I have wondered many times what those soft lips would feel like against my own.
"Nii-chan, come and play with me!" she called out. I shook my head. "Don't be so gutless!"
I laughed and pushed myself off the sand.
"What did you say?" I strode along the shore, not caring that my pants were getting wet, or the fact that I was barefooted.
She giggled. "You heard me."
I was taken aback by the splash of water in my face. I wiped myself off with my sleeves, only to receive another splash of water and then another and another. Finally, I stood there like a doll and let her splashed me all she wanted, waiting for her to get tired of the game.
"Nii-chan, you're no fun," she sulked.
"If you call being childish fun," I snorted.
"I might as well play with a rock." She stuck her tongue out at me and started walking away.
I crept up behind her quietly and threw my arms around her waist, picking her up with ease and chucked her into the water. She screamed at full volume in the background behind my amused laughter. "How do you like me now?" I smirked.
"You are horrible!" she shrieked. "I'm wet!"
"So am I." I said as a matter-of-factly.
"Well, since we're both wet..." she trailed off quietly, and then she suddenly launched herself at me, bringing the both of us down into the water. Her emerald eyes looked down at me warmly and smiled. "Are you happy, Nii-chan?"
Her question surprised me a bit.
In one swift motion, I rolled over so that she was lying under me. The waves washed up against us gently. "Are you happy?" I asked.
She nodded.
I smiled. "Okay, then."
I forced myself to get up despite my urge to hold her tight underneath my arms forever. I wanted to always be able to hold her like that, so close and so warm against the heat of her body.
"Onii-chan?" she said ever so sweetly.
"You've been playing in the water all day..." I had to get away from her until my mind decided to cool down. "...change into a pair of dry clothes or you'll get sick."
"Where are you going?"
I didn't answer her. I just kept on walking without looking back, afraid that I didn't have the strength to control myself if I had saw her face. I was too scared to even think about the aftermath if something should have happened, so I kept on walking.
Maybe—just maybe—if I had turned around to look at her then, I might've been able to see the sad look on her face one last time.
By the early evening, the tide was coming in and the sun had gone as a brassy glare had taken the place of clear daylight. I found a spot on the near end of the beach where silence was my only companion, and I could think in peace. I stared into the vast body of water. Colors drained from water, trees, and pink surfaces of rock, and the white and brown clouds brooded. A buffet of wind made me staggered and I heard a faint footstep falling beside me.
"Syaoran..."
Please... if you're going to call out my name... don't, because I don't think I can take it anymore.
"I'm okay, Sakura," I said. "Don't worry about me."
"Can you stop staying that?" Her voice was a mix of pain and infuriation. "For once, talk to me about your problems."
"You wouldn't understand." I scowled at no one in particular.
"How do you know?"
"I just do, okay?!" I hadn't meant to raise my voice at her.
"Syaoran, I'm your sister!"
If only she knew that she had just figured out the problem—she was my sister.
"I'm just stressed from work." I said instead. "Don't worry about it. It's my job to worry about you, not the other way around."
She sighed heavily and sat down beside me. "What do you see out here, Syaoran?"
"I don't know yet..." I answered softly.
The air was cool, moist, and clear; and presently even the sound of the water was still. The edge of the water became a streak of phosphorescence that advanced minutely, as the great wave of the tide flowed. The clear water mirrored the clear sky and the angular bright horizon of dusk. The tide swelled in over the rain-pitted sand and smoothed everything with a layer of silver.
I let out a silent gasp of air when I felt her hand on top of my own. "Syaoran..."
I pulled my hand away quickly. "It's getting late. We should go."
"Can we stay here a little longer?" she asked.
I closed my eyes and endured her touch as our fingers intertwined once more. Just this moment... I didn't ask for anything more.
"Syaoran, why don't you have a girlfriend?"
I was startled by the question. "Why do you ask all of a sudden?"
She shrugged lightly with a smile on her face. "You should get one, Syaoran. You're still single at 23, and you've never had any girlfriends.”
"What's wrong about that?"
"I think you need someone in your life. That's just all,” she said, still smiling. If there was a time that her smiles brought me pain, it was then. “I'll help you pick the perfect wife, because you deserve only the best.”
“Sakura, what brought this up?”
“Nothing. It's just that I've been thinking lately... Nii-chan, I'm already old enough to take care of myself. Didn't you have to take care of me when you were the same as me?”
“Yes, but we're talking about two different situations here.”
“All I'm saying is that I don't want to be the reason that you're not looking for someone who could make your life happier. I can look after myself.”
“Sakura...”
“I'm thinking of moving into the school's dormitory.”
“Stop thinking that you're doing it for my sake!”
“...Nii-chan?”
I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. “I'm sorry... I don't know what's wrong with me today. I raised my voice to you twice in one day...”
“...gomen...”
“Don't worry about it, okay?” I stroked her hair caressingly. "I'm still holding on to an unrequited love. I know that you will leave my side one of these days, but for now... just stay with your brother a little longer, okay?”
She smiled faintly. “Did you ever tell her how you feel about her?”
I shook my head, drawing circles in the sand with my forefinger. “I can't, because we have an unbreakable barrier between us. Only through my writing can I express my love for her.”
She let out a soft sigh. "I don't like sunsets all that much." There was something peculiar about the look in her eyes. "I think they're kind of depressing."
"Why do you say that?"
"Sunset represents an ending, and I want things to be everlasting."
"Idealistic ideas will get you nowhere."
"I know, but I would like to think that some things in this world would last forever." She smiled and gently placed her head on my shoulder. "Syaoran...?"
"Yeah?"
"Let's watch the sunrise next time." She locked her arms around mine.
I smiled, silently wishing that this feeling would never end.
- - - - -x-X-x- - - - -
"This year's award for Young Author of the Year goes to Kinomoto Syaoran!"
Applause filled the room as I accepted the award into my hands. I stepped towards the microphone and looked into the crowd, skimming through the faces briefly. Sitting at the table in the center were the people I cared for—my friends and family, my teacher, and, most importantly of all, my unheard love.
"I want to thank everyone for giving me the chance to be here," I said slowly. "I am honored to receive this award. I want to thank my English professor personally. Kaho-sensei taught me many things and guided me every step of the way. And I want to thank my friends and family for their support, especially my sister. Thank you, Sakura, my life would be nothing without you."
The dinner hall rumbled with applause. To other people's ears, that might've sounded like a sweet thing a big brother would say to his little sister on his big night. However, to me, it was a silent declaration of love that had no answer in return. But I was okay with that...
I have grown to control my feelings and myself.
More than three months had passed since that day at the beach and tonight, I finally hit the first milestone to my career. When I stood up there on the stage under the spotlight, looking down at everyone beneath me with admiration on their faces, I felt like I had finally accomplished something. For once in my life, I actually felt good about myself.
If only the feeling would last...
The applause continued to boom throughout the room and flashes were seen before my eyes. Everywhere. Flashes of light could be seen everywhere, and the applause had stopped all of a sudden.
Blurry images appeared before my vision, and for some reason, I couldn't make out anything from anything. And I couldn't feel anything either. It seemed as though my body refused to move on its own. I heard my name being called out several times, followed by a loud crash.
The last thing I felt was a rush of sparks running through my heart like a thousand bolts of lightning.
I just closed my eyes, and slept...
- - - - -x-X-x- - - - -
I opened my eyes to some sort of beeping sound. I found myself lying in a white bed inside a small, white room. Flowers were laid in a corner of the room. I tried to move but failed as some sort of wire held me back.
I saw Eriol sleeping on the couch by the window.
"Eriol." I tried calling for him, but my voice was raspy and my throat was dry. "Eriol!"
He fell off the couch.
"Syaoran!" He sounded amazed to see me. "Doctor!" He ran out of the room screaming.
A few seconds later, at least four or five doctors came running into the room, one of them being my former sister-in-law. Eriol, Tomoyo, and Kaho-sensei stood in the doorway, looking into the room curiously with a strange expression on their faces. I wanted to ask them where Sakura was, but I decided to wait.
"What happened?" I turned to look at Nakuru.
She scolded at me. "You had a severe attack." She merely answered and quickly added, "You were about to lose your life, Syaoran!"
"I'm still alive, aren't I?" I said. "Proves that no heart disease can beat me."
"You had a surgery." She had said it so lightly I almost thought that it was nothing important. "Sakura signed the lease for your surgery, and we saved you just in time."
I frowned. "And where is she? I need to talk to her about signing things for me without my permission."
"You should get a lot of bed rest and make sure you take your medicine regularly. From this point on, you will be attending special treatments under my close supervision. Don't worry too much, and try to take it easy from now on. If this happens again, I don't know if we can save you like we did this time."
I could tell that she was dodging my question on purpose. She avoided looking into my eyes the whole time that she was talking, which only meant that she was hiding something from me.
I turned to look at Eriol and Tomoyo. "Where is she?"
Tears formed in Tomoyo's eyes and she turned to cry in Kaho-sensei's comfort. Eriol looked at me apologetically and turned his gaze to the floor in shame. I growled. All I wanted was a simple answer.
That was all I asked for... for someone to answer me.
"She's inside of you." Nakuru was the one that answered my question. Her voice was expressionless.
"She's inside of...?" the words couldn't leave my mouth.
Every letters, every words, and every sound hung onto me like a thousand of brick, just crushing down on me. My ears refused to believe what I heard. It wasn't possible. They were lying to me. My eyes begged them to tell me that it was just a cruel joke they put together to teach me a lesson.
I chuckled nerve-rackingly. "Okay. I get it. I get the point. I'll take better care of my heart, so you can tell her to come out now." They didn't say anything. "I'll go to the stupid treatments. Just someone... anyone... tell me this is a joke... please. Eriol, you're my best friend. You won't lie to me. Tell me this is a prank."
His black eyes looked away from mine in sorrow. "I'm sorry, Syaoran. Sakura, she..."
"NO! You knew better than to let her do that!!" I turned to look at the brown-haired woman with rage burning in my eyes.
"How do you think I felt when she begged me on her knees to do the transplant?! Do you think I feel any better than you do?” the brunette screamed behind her tears. “You don't know what it's like, because you weren't there to see them close their eyes, Syaoran... don't be angry at me." She paused and turned away before whispering faintly, "Do you think I'm any happier than you are?"
Nakuru was crying. The woman, who didn't even shed a single tear when her husband passed away, was now crying in front of everybody to see. I knew that I was being somewhat unfair to Nakuru. She was right... I didn't know what it was like to see the one you love take their last breath. I wasn't there during the last hour of my loved ones. To watch two of her loved ones passed away before her own eyes...
If only it had been me.
She was gone... forever.
My mind continued to dwell on that thought. She was never coming back. I was never going to get another chance to see her smile, or hold her tight whenever she would cry.
I never had a chance to say goodbye.
And in the wisp of that moment...
My world started crumbling down.
- - - - -x-X-x- - - - -
Somewhere over the course of that winter I started thinking about killing myself, though not so much because I wanted to be dead, precisely, as because I yearned for resolution, for escape from the scratching distress of now. I thought killing myself was the only way I’d get that. Somehow, I wasn’t really picturing the long-term consequences of dead: that I’d be dead now, dead later, and dead add infinitum. I was looking for dead in the short term. Dead until maybe, say, when my heart stopped aching so much.
I didn’t know when the idea of suicide first occurred to me. In some ways, it had been in the back of my mind for years. Yet, oddly, I would never have thought of it as an option. It was the perceived lack of options—the final, unacceptable solution to a grave and insoluble dilemma. I had always thought of it in the same way: If all else fails, if I have nowhere else to turn, I can do this.
I thought to myself that I'd be able to see her face again. I was willing to do anything to see her again—death wasn't a concern for me. It wasn't a long time ago that she had left me a part of her, a part I've always dreamt of having; but not like this.
I locked myself in the darkness of my room, letting no light in and no light out. I stopped writing completely, and I lived in solitude from the world. I couldn't bring myself to write when my heart was gone. Every time I looked at the computer screen, I would see her face smiling at me.
When I saw that iniquitous face looking back at me in the mirror every morning, I couldn't help but smirk. He was pathetic. I was better than him. Unlike the guy in the mirror, I would never let the pain get to me. He was looking as though he couldn't live another day. Dark circles formed around his eyes, brown bangs hanged loosely over his face, blood dripped down his face, and his eyes were red like the coarse lines on his arms.
I grabbed for the blade on the sink, and knelt down by the toilet, leaning myself against the wall as I held my arm over the toilet. I ran the blade smoothly over my skin, hissing back at the pain.
For a second, nothing happened and I wondered if I had a dull blade. Then a drop of blood drew a line down the pink flesh of my inner arm, dripping off my bent elbow into the clear water. It was riveting how the red dissipated when it hit the water, how quickly my blood was lost. Maybe when I was through bleeding, my body would dissolve, too; it would be as if I had never been. I started to push the blade deeper.
More blood continued to fall.
Soon, the water was no longer a shade of clear blue. It had turned into a red pool that held a part of me.
One cut after another, each one going deeper and deeper into my flesh. I closed my eyes and endured the pain, hoping that God would take my last breath today.
"Syaoran!" the door crashed open.
I was quickly pulled away from death, once again.
"You promised me you wouldn't do this to yourself anymore!" the woman cried. "What would Sakura say if she sees you like this?"
"Nothing..." I said. "Because she can't see me."
"She's looking down at you from above!"
I snorted at the thought. I never believed in those things. When you die, you just die—there was no Heaven or Hell. "Nakuru, just let me be."
She started bandaging my wound. "No." She didn't leave any room for objection. "You've been skipping your treatments," she said.
"Why should I even go anymore?"
"Syaoran... please." She begged quietly. "You're the only family I have left. I don't want to say goodbye to every one of my family members."
"Nakuru—"
"Oh, I came to give you something." She reached into her purse. "Before Sakura went into the operation room, she asked me to give this to you on this day. She said you will understand after you read the letter."
My hands trembled as I received the letter.
"I'll go make you some lunch." Nakuru stood up and left the room quietly.
I tore open the letter, and immediately recognized her handwriting. I began reading slowly.
Dear, Syaoran.
You might think that I've made a foolish decision, but I know that I did the right thing. Please don't blame yourself. Don't look at it as my death either, but look at it as my new beginning. I realize that as long as the two of us are in this world, everyone would see us as nothing but siblings, and so will you. I'm sorry, Syaoran...
You don't know this, but I found Kaa-san's diary in the attic a few months before my high school graduation. In the diary, she mentioned her and Otou-san adopting their childhood friend's son after him and his wife passed away in a car accident. I thought of telling you... I wanted to... but then I couldn't bear the thought of you leaving me. You stayed with me because of your obligations being my older brother; I didn't want you to leave me.
Syaoran, is it wrong of me to fall in love you even after I know the truth? For you to treat me as your real sister when I look at you the way that a woman looks at a man; am I wrong?
I tried to get you off my mind by finding interests in other guys, but I couldn't. I always find myself coming back to you. I couldn't throw away the infatuation that I felt for you. I thought of confessing to you, but I didn't know what would become of our relationship if I did and have you reject me. I didn't want you to hate me afterwards because of my selfishness.
Syaoran, to you, I will always be the sweet, little sister. But to me, you've become more than a brother. I've given all of me to you—my mind, my soul, and my heart.
This way, I can assure that I will always be a part of you. Every beat that you feel and every breath that you take will be my own as well, because I am living inside of you. I'm sorry if I'm being very selfish... but I can't bear to lose you. Forgive me, Syaoran.
And, please, let me say what I've always been scared of saying to you face to face—just this once.
I love you...
Sometimes we let affection go unspoken. Sometimes we let our love go unexpressed. Sometimes we can't find words to tell our feelings, especially towards those we love the best. And when we've lost that love, we end up hoping for a second chance to make things right.
But life moves on...
- - - - -x-X-x- - - - -
I looked down at the laptop on my lap, and blank screen stared back at me, waiting to be completed. I stopped writing for such a long time, I'd forgotten how to write. The screen looked so unfamiliar to me. I waited for inspirations to come to me—anything.
I breathed in awe when the sun suddenly rose into the sky. As if by instinct, I slowly brought a hand over my heart.
"Sakura, we're watching the sunrise like you wanted." I whispered faintly, letting the wind carried my voice to her, wherever she was.
I traced my fingers over the keyboard, letting the words sank into my mind naturally.
I sat and observed the sand as it slipped through my fingers slowly. At times I felt like the sand, just slipping away, being pulled down by gravity. I sat and kept my posture, wishing my composure would crash. Patience was virtue, but how can you have patience with patience itself? I could see my life in front of me, as vast and clear as the sea. Every wrong turn was a ripple, and every right was a wave. I sat back, relaxed, and let the breeze took me away. I felt the sand between my toes and just breathed the sweet and salty breath of the sea.
I looked back at the sunrise in the sky and let out a soothing sigh. I returned my attention back to the computer screen, and I started typing—
I asked the professor why she had given me a low grade for my short response, and she turned to look at me with a vacant stare. "Because you failed to complete the task I asked you to," she articulated in a monotone voice. "You provided a good response, but the point of the assignment wasn't to see how well you could write. I wanted to see how well you understand the things that you write."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Read me your response," she said, calmly, leaning back into her chair. "Then, honestly, tell me you know what its meaning is."
I held the flimsy paper in front of me before clearing my throat. I started reading slowly.
What is love?
Love is a four-letter word found in Webster's dictionary and described as:
LOVE n. A strong feeling of affection; fondness; tender affection for someone; to feel or show love for; to caress; to be loved.
Love is like a continually shattering mirror that always leaves behind images etched in people’s hearts; but it will remain a mystery forever. The heart has reasons that reason doesn't understand.
Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity; eternity can be the tick of a clock.
Or the sands of an hourglass.
The End.
Written by: Aesha
Edited by: Mesmerised
No comments:
Post a Comment