‘arrival’
I remember the helpless rage I felt when my father was murdered, right before my eyes. The twisting self-hatred and guilt that came from my mother’s death still tears at me from inside. And I remember well the bitter frustration of my expulsion from the palace. I thought I had been handed all the different kinds of pain in this world, I was sure that my suffering was through. I never expected anything like this.
I am aware of her, at all times, in all her movements. Every tiny sigh she makes, every time she swallows back her tears and looks away from me. Every motion of her delicate hands, every time a strand of hair falls into her face, I see it. I’m not looking, but I see it anyway. Shortly before we reached the edge of the forest this morning, I found a thorny bush of early blackberries. I thought it would make a nice breakfast. I didn’t count on having to watch her pop those tender berries into her mouth, one at a time. I couldn’t even think about eating any myself, I was so busy watching her lick the purple juice off her fingers as she forced herself to smile at the others. The sight brought back the sensation of how she had sucked on my fingertip this morning, and the feelings she awoke inside me. And that led to the memory of the kiss, even better than the last, and how she had tasted. I never knew anything could feel so good.
So painful. Because nothing can happen between us. I know it’s the truth, and she does too, though she tried to deny it. I know what happens when I try to act above myself. I understand what is done in this world, and what is not. So even though my heart and my body are screaming at me, pleading for me to act on my instincts and take her in my arms, I hold back. She’s so close… all it would take is a touch. One touch, one word on my part and we could be together. I want it more than anything. This is killing me, on the inside. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to withstand the temptation. Why am I here, with her? What kind of cruel fate led to our meeting, I wonder? All I wanted was to be left alone, I don’t understand why she had to try and hide in my valley. I was swept up into her plight, and I never had a chance to look back. And now I’m plagued by the sweetest, most exquisite pain that I ever imagined possible. How much longer will this torture last?
“How much longer?” Tomoyo queried, interrupting his thoughts.
“Huh?” She frowned at him thoughtfully. Normally Li’s face was so guarded and secretive, but he’d been startled and she saw a desperate longing there that was so intense she had to swallow. She didn’t like to think about what he and Sakura must be going through right now.
“I said, how much longer? The sun’s setting, are we going to make camp or is Tomoeda close enough that we should push on?”
“Oh.” Li glanced at the sky, then at the fields around them. “The capital is only another couple hours’ walk. We’ll continue on.”
Another night with her is unthinkable. Just walking beside her is bad enough. I know I’ll lose all self-control if I had to curl up beside her again… if I have to watch her fall asleep next to me just one more time.
The sunset that evening was beautiful. Sakura watched the golden orange circle slide below the horizon, gilding the puffy clouds in the sky. The colors were even more vivid through her watering eyes, blurred by the pent-up tears. She thought she’d felt all the pain she could feel when her parents and Yukito were murdered, and she was forced from her own home as a fugitive. Between her grief for the past and terror of what the future might hold, she’d never even expected something like this. But there he was, walking just to the right and a little ahead of her, carefully not looking in her direction. He was so strong, independent, and beautiful. Li was the antidote to her helplessness, and her fear of the General. He was everything that she longed to be and longed to be with. But he would not allow it to happen, that much he had made very clear.
And so she held back, resisted all temptation to reach for his hand and hold it tightly. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right that they should have to stay apart when he so obviously felt the same way as she did. Sakura felt another lump rise in her throat when she thought about the injustice of it all. This was the sweetest, most horrible pain she’d ever known.
The glow on the dark horizon grew brighter, and bigger, and soon the individual buildings of Tomoeda were visible. Much sooner than Sakura would have liked. Just a week after leaving Li’s valley, they had finally returned, and the unpleasant memories were flooding into her mind. The night of the overthrow, and the frantic running, hiding behind piles of scrap wood in their soaking wet nightgowns, confused and panicky about what was going on. The soldiers had been everywhere, she could hear them asking people about her. Finally, not sure what else to do, they’d sneaked aboard a wagon headed out of the city in the early dawn hours. The days after that were a blur in her mind. Haphazard naps, infrequent meals, and constantly just a step ahead of the pursuing soldiers. None of them had had any idea where they were in the country, or where they were even trying to go. Not until that day that Li had hidden her from the men, and offered her food and rest, did things begin to sort themselves out in her mind. He was her rock, a measure of stability in her mission. She didn’t know what she would have done without him. And now he was probably going to leave.
“Now what?” Kero spoke up, voicing everyone’s thoughts. Sakura only shrugged helplessly.
“I wish I knew. I guess the first thing is to try and find some food, and get some rest. We’re all tired.”
Li only grunted, gazing at the shops and homes around them as they walked down the lane. He was probably remembering the last time he’d been there too, and Sakura had to stop herself from reaching out and squeezing his hand. Instead she forced herself to keep her eyes open for soldiers, as they progressed to the interior of the city and the road beneath their feet turned from dirt to cobbled stone. Absorbed in her pain, it took her a while to realize something was amiss.
“Tomoyo?”
“Yes?”
“Doesn’t it seem, well, awfully quiet to you?”
Everybody in the group nodded, and Sakura felt a twinge of uneasiness. She had not been allowed out into the city after nightfall very often, but sometimes she had flown out of the palace (without permission) to take in the sights of the night life. Even after the sun went down, Tomoeda enjoyed a healthy and humming level of activity. But now the streets were eerily empty, and those that were out were obviously unhappy about it. Nobody was on their way to a bar, or a public house. Instead they kept their faces down and their hands jammed in their pockets, as though it were miserably cold instead of the mild spring evening that it was. The character of the city had changed in these past few weeks.
Li felt uneasy about it as well, but remained alert enough to recognize the purposeful steps of two soldiers on patrol. Just in time he pulled the girls into the shadows before the men rounded the corner and passed them.
Sakura exhaled. That had been close.
“Thank you.”
“No problem.” Li realized his hand was still on her arm, and he released her hastily. Would the shadows be deep enough to conceal his red face? “We need a place to hide. People out on the streets at this hour are too conspicuous.”
Everyone nodded, and Li cast about for a good hiding spot. It was late, they needed to rest. An idea had been flickering in his mind that day, the idea that he would drop them off at the city and leave immediately. It was late, sure, and a long road back home, but he was ready to do it.
Now I know I can’t. I can’t just walk off and leave them; this is the most dangerous part of her journey. She needs help, and I can’t deny her that. Even if it means spending another night with her.
He scowled to himself as he raised his arm and pointed.
“There. That looks safe enough.” Sakura followed his gaze to a shop that was obviously boarded up and out of business. As so many did, the building had a flat above it where the owners would have lived. Hopefully it would now be empty. “Come on.” The little group tiptoed down the dark alleyways until they reached the side. Boards had been nailed across the doors, but it was easy to scale the stone wall. At least, it was easy for Li, even with the crossbow strung across his back. There was a rough window on this side and he crept through it and landed lightly on the wooden floor. He was immediately tackled.
Instinctively Li twisted and threw off his attacker, then reached for his pendant. He stopped when his vision adjusted, and held out his hand, abashed. It was only a boy, hardly more than ten, lying on the floor where he’d thrown him and panting hard.
“It’s okay. I’m not here to hurt you.” The boy scrambled away from his outstretched hand and stood on his own, fists raised.
“Git away! Leave us alone!”
Us?
“Nicky!” a new voice squeaked. “Are you hurt?”
“Fine.” The blonde boy scowled at Li and backed away from him, toward the far corner of the flat. Now Li could see a little girl, also blonde, curled up in a ball on a blanket. She was shivering with fear as she stared at Li, until the older boy moved to stand in between them. “Leave us alone. We got nothin’ to steal.”
“I can see that. I’m not here to rob you.”
“Li? Is everything okay?” Sakura peeked over the edge of the sill, apprehensive with all the noise.
“It’s fine. Come on up.”
“I said, git away!”
“We need a place to sleep,” Li informed him. “We’re not going to bother you or your sister, I promise.” Sakura clambered through the window.
“What’s all the noise about – oh.” She glanced at the children. “Oh. Don’t worry, we’re only looking for a place to sleep. We won’t bother you.” Tomoyo scrambled through the opening, and the boy called Nicky looked from one to the other. He was clearly outnumbered, and he lowered his fists reluctantly.
“We got nothin’ to steal.”
“I heard you. We’re not thieves, don’t worry about it.” Li pulled off his bow and quiver and set them down on the floor to stretch. Sakura approached the two children and gave a polite curtsy.
“My name’s Sakura. What’s yours?” The boy was silent, staring at her suspiciously. But the little girl relaxed and gave her a timid smile.
“It’s Clarissa. You can call me Claire if you want.”
“Thank you.” She knelt on the floor to face her more directly. “Where are your parents?”
“Don’t got none,” Claire replied cheerfully. “Just me and Nicky.”
“I see. Why aren’t you at the orphanage?” Nicky sat down next to his sister and put his arm around her thin shoulders.
“Shut it down a week ago, they did. Said it were a - ” He paused and screwed up his face in concentration. “A ‘locus of bad planning and uncoord-uncoordination.’ Soldiers said it would be back up again right soon when the government had a better system goin’.”
Sakura swallowed and exchanged glances with Tomoyo. “I see.”
“You’re right pretty, you are,” Claire announced, and crawled into Sakura’s lap.
“Thank you.”
“Where are your parents?”
“Well…” Sakura stroked her fingers through the girl’s pale blonde hair. “They’re not here anymore. I guess I’m an orphan too.”
“Is that your brother?” She pointed to Li, and Sakura smiled.
“No, he’s just a – a friend.”
“Don’t got a brother?” Claire’s voice was clearly sympathetic, and Nicky straightened his shoulders a little.
“No, no I do,” Sakura reassured her. “We’ve been separated. I have to find him.”
“Hope you do. Can’t get along without a brother, you know.”
“I know.” She watched the boy’s face. He was obviously proud that his little sister needed him so much. She wondered how long he’d been taking care of her. A stray memory clicked; the night of the Midwinter Ball, only a few months earlier, and how strong her brother’s arms had been when he scooped her up and carried her to her bedroom. How wonderful it had felt to be coddled and protected. She missed that more than anything in the world. “Believe me, I want to find him very much.”
“Are we going to eat tonight, or what?” Both children gasped as Kero crawled out of his bag and fluttered out into the air.
“What is that?”
“Pleased to meet you, kids. Name’s Keroberos.” Kero loved the effect he had on people, and twisted and rolled to show off before coming to a stop before Claire’s face. She was nervous, but curiosity overcame her fear and she reached forward to feel his fur.
“Don’t, Claire,” her brother snapped, and quickly knocked her hand away. “It could be dangerous.”
“Nicky!”
“It’s all right,” Sakura offered. “Kero’s my friend. I’ve known him since I was younger than you are. He would never hurt anyone.”
Not counting the men that killed his partner, she silently thought, but didn’t add that part. Kero just twitched his tail and allowed Claire to scratch him behind his ears.
“So cute,” she murmured, clearly entranced. Nicky just scowled at her expression and looked away. Clearly he was unhappy with these people that had invaded his territory, and Li could sympathize.
“It won’t be for long,” he told the boy. “We just needed a place to hi-sleep for the night. Is there somewhere around here that I can find food?”
A sulky look was his only answer.
“Go on, Nicky,” Claire said impatiently. “Tell ‘em about the inn.”
“There’s an inn up the road a piece,” he said grudgingly. “Sometimes they have leftover bread and such.” Li nodded.
“Seems like our best shot. I’ll go find it.”
“Take him, Nicky.”
“I’m not leavin’ you!”
“I’ll be all right. Go on, take him.”
“You’re not in charge, Claire.”
“Nicky!” She pouted, and he gave an exasperated sigh. Sakura had been through this with Touya many times, and she knew what was coming next.
“All right, all right. I’m goin’. But I’ll be right back, see?” He stood and gave Sakura and Tomoyo both a warning glare, then turned to the window. Sakura waited until he and Li were out of sight through the window.
“Your brother does a good job of protecting you, doesn’t he?”
“He’s all right. We make it through.”
“That’s good.” Claire leaned her head against Sakura’s shoulder. “He’ll grow up to be a good man because of it. And you’re a lucky girl.”
“I know it.”
Li held out his arms to catch Nicky as he neared the ground, but the boy ignored him and jumped down on his own.
“Thank you for letting us stay in your home.”
“-t’s all right. You’re not bad sorts, I can tell.”
“Good.”
“Your friends rich, then? They talk right pretty.”
“Yeah, I guess they do.”
“Why ain’t you got no home, then?”
“My house is gone now, I think. Soldiers destroyed it.” The boy clucked his tongue and relaxed slightly.
“I don’t like the soldiers either. Threw us out of our home, they did. And one of ‘em hurt Claire.”
“Uh-huh.” Li gave the boy beside him a thoughtful look. He was punching the air, hitting an imaginary enemy before him as they walked. “You know that the soldiers are supposed to be your friends. They’re the ones supposed to protect you and your sister from bad people.”
“Hmph. I wouldn’t trust a soldier as far as I could throw him. They steal.”
“So you wouldn’t go to one for help, or anything.”
“Course not. I can handle things fine on my own.” He looked as though he rather expected Li to argue with him, but the young man just nodded.
“Good. You’re the only one that you can ever depend on, Nicky. Don’t forget that. Learn to fight. You can’t always count on armed men to come and protect you.”
The boy stopped walking and shot him a hopeful look.
“D’you know how to fight?”
“I started learning when I was a little younger than you.”
“Wow!” Now his eyes had completely lit up. “Will you show me how?”
“Maybe. Tomorrow, perhaps. If I get some food and rest.”
“Right, then.” Nicky took Li’s hand and enthusiastically dragged him around to the back of a large building. “Let’s find some food!”
- - - - - -
Gorrell stood in the archway by the palace courtyard and waited for Blackstock to dismount and approach him. The old soldier came to a stop just before him and saluted, then placed his hands behind his back to stand at attention.
“You disappoint me, Gareth. You actually had her on her hands and knees, and still she escaped?”
“I was weaponless, sir, after she used her magic to disarm me. I had no way to defeat the peasant.”
Gorrell snarled. “I suppose you did the best you could.”
The colonel bristled just a little at the veiled barb, and spoke up. “Sir, are you sure that we shouldn’t be searching for their trail in the forest? We found them before in the wild, we could do it again.”
“Denied, Gareth. She’s coming here, I’m sure of it. She may even already be here, for all I know. I want every available man combing the city, and the palace guardsmen on extra alert. Who knows what the little witch is planning.”
“Yes sir. Shall we begin the search tonight?”
“No, no, don’t bother. She won’t be leaving, and she may not have even arrived. Wait until the morning. Stables, cellars, anything. You know what to do.”
“Yes sir.” Nikolai waved an impatient hand, and Blackstock saluted and left.
- - - - - -
The fear was overwhelming. Sakura choked it back and tried to struggle, but there were too many of them. The enemy was all around her. She was alone. Where were her friends? Where was Li?
“Li! Help!” She reached her hand out in appeal, hoping he would rescue her. But he was too far away for her to reach. “Li, please…”
His hand was outstretched too, but they couldn’t quite touch. And then he did something that filled her with dread, gave form to her worst nightmares. He turned around and left her. He turned around and left her alone with the enemy.
“No!” she shrieked helplessly. There was a sharp pain across her face and she hit the ground.
Please no…
“Sakura! Wake up, Sakura!”
He left me. He left me. He –
“Sakura, wake up, damn it!”
Something penetrated at last, and she jerked awake to find Li on top of her, trying to cover her mouth with his hand. He’d had to lie on top of her to pin her arms and legs, she’d been struggling so hard. She looked into his eyes, terrified.
“You left me,” she panted. “You left me. You left - ”
“Shh!” Li pressed his hand down over her lips and looked anxiously at the others. Tomoyo and the children were sleeping quietly, all of them tired by the late hour. He had been awake and keeping watch by the window when Sakura started to whimper in her sleep. “Relax. It was just a nightmare. It didn’t happen.”
“They were all around us,” she whispered. “I was a prisoner. And you turned away and left me.”
“I wouldn’t do that, Sakura. That won’t happen.”
“I’m so scared…”
“Don’t be. You’re in control of your fear. Always.” He sounded so sure of himself, so confident. Her breathing slowed and she became aware of how he was holding her down, and how strong he was. His face was so close to hers.
“We’ve been here before,” she murmured.
“Don’t. Please don’t start that again. You know we can’t.”
“I can’t help myself. This feels so good, like this. I want it to happen.”
“Well it won’t.” At last Li forced himself to roll off, and he sat facing away from her.
“Li, I - ”
“No. No more words, Sakura. I can’t even listen to your voice.”
She felt as though she’d been slapped, and she shrunk away from the man sitting beside her.
“Then I guess...” she swallowed. “Then I guess I have nothing to say.”
“Thank you.”
She rolled over to face away from him, and squeezed her eyes shut until the tears leaked out. She was trying her hardest to be quiet, but Li heard her give a muffled sob anyway, and his heart wrenched. More than anything he wanted to put his arms around her, make the pain go away. He could.
But it would only delay the inevitable. What’s the use of pretending something that’s never going to be? Better that it’s stopped now, before it gets too emotional.
It already was emotional, but he pushed that thought out of his mind as he crawled back to the window to look out at the stars.
Hello Mother. Can you see me, down here? What’s going on? I haven’t felt an ache in my chest like this since you died. And she’s alive and well, hardly more than an arms’ length away. What is this pain that I’m feeling?
Sakura heard him give a tiny sigh, and drew another careful breath. She would not burst into loud tears, not here in the middle of the night. Instead she concentrated on breathing deeply, in and out, in and out. She was tired, and after a while she felt herself relax and her eyelids start to droop. It was only then that something occurred to her.
It was a nightmare, right? It felt so real… I know Li wouldn’t leave me like that, but it felt like one of my prophetic dreams. I haven’t had one of those in a while; not even before the overthrow. What if –
No. No, I know Li would never turn away from me like that. It was just a bad nightmare.
She slipped into sleep, exhausted. She never thought to consider that if it had been a prophetic dream, the unconscious use of magic would have marked her presence.
Salfrek passed a thin and bony hand in front of his eyes, staring at something that Gorrell couldn’t quite see.
“She’s here.”
“Where?”
“Impossible to pinpoint exactly.” The magician waved his hand in the air, and something that looked like a map of the city floated in the air, a red and gauzy image. Nikolai wrinkled his nose in distaste, but stared at the illuminated portion of the map with fierce concentration.
“She’s in that area?”
“She is.”
“Right, then.” The soldier backed away from the old man, relieved. “That’s where they’ll go.”
Every man available will go to that neighborhood. She won’t slip through my grasp this time.
He clenched his fist, and smiled.
It was the first time in a while that Sakura slept later than the sunrise. She hadn’t had an easy night, and it was midway into the morning before she finally woke.
“Good morning,” Tomoyo said cheerfully. “I was beginning to wonder if I should wake you.”
Sakura yawned and sat up. “We had a long day yesterday. I guess I was just trying to catch up.”
“Well, I hope you did. Today’s going to be tricky, you know. Eat some breakfast, you’ll need your strength.” She pushed a knotted up handkerchief into Sakura’s hands. Upon unwrapping it, she found a peach, a small chunk of bread, and a slice of cheese.
“Wow. Where did all this come from?”
“Nicky knows where the food is in this neighborhood. Claire took our waterbags to the well and filled them up, too.”
“Did everybody else have some?”
“We’ve all eaten, Sakura, don’t worry about it. Eat up.”
Hesitantly the princess began to nibble on the bread, then stopped. “Where’s Li? He didn’t leave, did he?”
“No, why would he have?”
“Then where is he?”
“I’m not sure, I think he’s – hey, Sakura!” Her friend had just jumped to her feet and run across the room to lean out the window.
What if he left? What if he left me? I can’t do it without him, I can’t go on without him, I –
She didn’t relax until she saw Li in the alleyway below her, demonstrating to Nicky how to do a punch. She watched him rotate the boy’s fist, showing over and over how to bring more power into the strike, and remembered how he had showed her that day in the cherry orchard. How wonderful it had been to have his arms around her.
“Sakura?” Tomoyo covered her hand with hers and spoke softly. “I know how much you must be hurting right now. You’re feeling vulnerable. But you can’t keep panicking that Li is going to leave. You know that he’s going to, eventually. There’s nothing to be gained by fretting every time he steps out the door.”
Sakura nodded and sank down to the floor.
“I know. I can’t help it. It’s just… the thought of him gone. It kills me. I can’t do this without him.”
“Your strength is in yourself, Sakura.” There was no reply to that, and Tomoyo squeezed her hand tighter. “And you know, that no matter what he chooses to do, I’ll still be here. I’m not leaving you, ever.”
Sakura smiled for the first time that morning, and returned the squeeze.
“I know.”
Nicky punched Li’s palm and grinned. Already he could feel the difference in power with this new technique.
“This is bloomin’ terrific. Where’d you learn this?”
“From a very wise man, years ago. I was a student of his.”
“Lucky.” Nicky stopped punching and looked at Li appraisingly. “Where’re you from, then, anyway? You talk a bit like country folk, and a bit like proper nobles.”
Li smiled a little ruefully. It was true, years of living in the palace posing as a noble had lent a peculiar bent to his country accent. Now he sounded a little like both, and neither.
I don’t really fit in anywhere, I guess.
“I had a home, a few days west of here on the Great Road. I had my own land, and my own cabin, and nobody told me what to do or where I could go. I gathered my own food, and got along on my own.”
“Cor.” Nicky looked absolutely entranced. To an orphan living off of scraps of food and constantly ducking the soldiers, it sounded like paradise. “What’d you leave all that for?”
“For the worst reason possible. A girl.”
“Oh,” the boy sniffed. “Silly reason.”
“Tell me about it.” Another pair of soldiers walked past the alleyway down the street, and Li averted his gaze. “Are there normally this many soldiers walking about in the city?”
He hadn’t spent too much time outside the palace when he lived in Tomoeda, but it seemed to him that there were far more out than there used to be, even with a new government in charge. Nicky shrugged.
“Suppose there’s a bit more than usual today.”
“Well, it’s not a good idea to practice these things out in the open, where they can see. Commoners aren’t supposed to learn these arts, you know.”
“How’d you learn, then?”
“Um, long story. Come on, time to get back inside.”
What are the chances of trying to swim back in the way we came out? That gate was full of holes. But then the dungeons were empty and unused. That won’t be the situation this time, I’m sure of it. They’re bound to have repaired such an obvious flaw by now.
Sakura glared at a knothole on the wood by her feet.
Maybe we could fly up and over the walls. We could probably do it, in the dark. But then the mage, Salfrek I suppose, will be able to sense us. I don’t know if he’d be able to tell how close we were, but it’s a risk.
Even if we can get in the palace, I have no idea how to find my brother or the Cards. And even if I did – then what? Am I going to kill the General? I’m not a murderer; I don’t kill people. Even him.
I cannot do this.
Abruptly she stood and crossed over to the window. Tomoyo glanced up from braiding Claire’s hair.
“Where are you going?”
“I can’t sit here anymore. I need to walk around a little.”
“Sakura, it’s still daylight - ”
“I don’t care. There are plenty of people about. No one will see me.” She gave her friends no time to argue but crawled through the window and began to clamber down the wall. Right away she noticed a pair of soldiers walking down the street, but they didn’t glance her way, and she relaxed.
I suppose Gorrell has probably figured out by now that Tomoeda was my destination, but it’s a big city. There’s no way he can search every building. All I have to do is keep a low profile, and I’ll be all right.
Moodily she kicked a small rock and it flew against the wall of the neighboring building.
Until I try and invade his palace tonight. Then all bets are off.
Absentmindedly she stepped forward and kicked the rock again, then again, until she was out in the street. There were no soldiers in sight, and she leaned against the wall to watch the people go by.
How many times was I out of the palace on a non-parade or festival day? Not too many. But I could swear that the people weren’t usually this subdued.
It was a beautiful day, but nobody was even looking up at the sky. There was plenty of noise, but no laughter and not too many smiles. It was a markedly different atmosphere than that of the remote villages she’d been to lately, and it made her uncomfortable.
What exactly could Nikolai do to all of them? Sure, he shut down the orphanage, but that wouldn’t have an effect on so many. I don’t see the soldiers abusing anybody; there are no burning buildings, no massacres.
Curious, she drifted closer to the crowds. Her musings were interrupted by Li and Nicky’s approach. They’d finally returned after spending the afternoon pursuing Nicky’s daily round of looking for odd jobs. The familiar lump came to her throat when she saw his face, and how he avoided looking her in the eye by leaning down to speak to the boy. Unable to watch him come closer, she turned around.
Li dropped the gold coins in Nicky’s hand.
“Here. Why don’t you hold onto these?”
“Really?” Nicky closed his fist over them with a dazzled look in his eyes. “But you helped me scrub those floors. It’s part yours.”
“I scrubbed floors quite a bit when I was your age; I never got paid to do it. Besides, I don’t need it. You use it to take care of your sister.”
He straightened and saw to his relief that Sakura had turned away and was staring at something on the wall of the building.
She really shouldn’t be out here at all, he thought irritably, but turned down the alleyway without approaching her. They hadn’t spoken once that day, and he didn’t want to be the one to break the silence. But then he noticed how she was standing, hugging her arms close to her chest and breathing raggedly. Something was wrong.
“Go on up, Nicky.”
“But I - ”
“Go on, already. I’ll be right there.” He gave a light push on his shoulders and closed the distance between him and Sakura.
“Sakura?”
She didn’t answer, so intent on staring at the wall. He could see now that she was fighting tears.
“Sakura, you really shouldn’t be out here. I’ve seen a lot of soldiers in this neighborhood today.” Still no reply, and he stepped closer. “What’s wrong?”
She sniffled and indicated the graffiti in front of her. Someone had dipped a stick wrapped in cloth in black tar, and written across the wall.
“What?”
“Can’t you read?”
“No.”
She glanced up in surprise. Li reddened slightly and swallowed.
“I, uh, never had a chance to learn.”
“Oh.” She blushed as well, embarrassed. Her own father had taught her to read when she was young; she’d grown up with educated people. It had never occurred to her that someone as smart and strong as Li might not be able to read. “Um, it says ‘dissident’. I hadn’t bothered to wonder why this shop was boarded up. Now I know.”
At last she tore her gaze away from the hateful word and turned back to face the street.
“So that’s how he’s doing it. No acts of mass torture, no flagrant abuse. Just quiet, simple arrests of the people that speak out against his rule. He imprisons them, destroys their livelihood, and makes sure that everyone else can see it. No wonder they’re all so quiet.”
Li watched as tears slid down her face. Then she gave a choking sob and began to cry in earnest.
“Hey, whoa, stop that. It’ll be all right.” Tentatively he placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s going to be okay.”
She shook her head.
“No it’s not, Li. It’s never going to be okay. Don’t you get it? General Gorrell pulled a major military coup, and betrayed us. But he wasn’t alone. He had friends, and I don’t know who. I don’t know who in the army actively tried to destroy my family, or who was just following his orders. Even if we win, and I take Gorrell down, then what? Do I arrest every soldier in the army? I can’t do that; we need men to keep law and order in the country. But what do I do about the men that killed or hurt people while looking for me?” She was wiping away tears as she spoke with her sleeve, but she just couldn’t stop the flow. The full impact of the tasks before her was only just now making itself felt.
“And what about non-military? Did any nobles assist the General? How will I know who they are? My brother will have to begin his reign with the countryside unsettled and in uproar after such unexpected overthrows, and the people will be more susceptible to jackals and thieves, like the ones that killed your father. Not to mention threat of war from any of our neighbors. There’s never been a problem before, but with things so uncertain, and a brand new king...” She shrugged. “Who knows?”
Li was silent. He’d never considered what was going to happen if Sakura managed to succeed. The responsibilities of running the country were totally foreign to him.
“It’s too much,” she wailed. “I don’t want to… it’s just too much!” She submitted completely to the tears and let Li take her in his arms. “I’m only sixteen years old. I can’t do all this. I just can’t!”
“Shh… you can. I know you can. You were born to rule, you can do this.” Li stroked his fingers through her hair as she cried on his shirt.
“I’m not ready, I’ll never be ready. I just can’t do any of this! He’s already ruined the lives of so many people, and I’ll never be able to help them all. Even a sorceress can only do so much.”
Her shoulders were shaking, and Li gripped her even tighter.
“Don’t, Sakura. Just because you’re princess doesn’t mean you’re responsible for the happiness of every person in the kingdom. Bad things happen. Something bad happened to me, but I got over it. I dealt with it. Everyone else will, too. All that matters is that you give them the opportunity, and that means getting rid of Gorrell. That’s what you have to do first. Concentrate on that, and don’t let yourself worry about troubles that aren’t even yours yet. You have to focus.”
He felt as though he was giving sparring advice to a fellow student, and almost smiled. In a way, politics was rather like a physical fight, though more subtle, and probably more dangerous. It wasn’t and never would be his realm, but he knew Sakura could do it. She was much stronger than she thought she was.
“You’re so strong,” he whispered. “And you’re so beautiful…” All he could think about was easing her pain, he couldn’t stand seeing her cry so often. Before he knew what was happening, he was kissing her again.
It wasn’t the unrestrained passion that it had been before. This time it was a sweet and gentle kiss, a message of comfort and encouragement. Sakura fell into it blissfully, until she remembered and pushed herself away.
“No,” she gasped. “Not again. You can’t keep teasing me like this, Li.” His miserable eyes mirrored her own, until he looked away.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I – I just hate to see you hurt.” She uttered a short and sharp laugh.
“Don’t like seeing me hurt? That’s cute. Take a good look at me, Li. What do I look like now?” He wouldn’t look at her. “Because it is way too late to worry about me being hurt, and you know it. You’ve been killing me ever since that first kiss under the tables. I didn’t know men could be so cruel. Are you enjoying it, Li? Having fun with the royalty you hate so much?” Angrily she pushed him and spun on her heels to march away.
“Hey!” Li grabbed her elbow and arrested her mid-stride. “You think this is fun for me? You actually think I take pleasure in feeling like this? Seeing you like this?” He felt a spark of anger as he yanked her around to face him again. “Don’t you know how hard this is for me?”
“For you?” Sakura asked bitterly. “You’re joking, right? Do you have any idea what I’ve been going through these past few days?”
“I - ”
“I mean, besides living in the woods and hiding from my parent’s murderer, who wants to take me as his wife and permanent love slave? I have been getting over the death of the one man in my life that I ever thought I could love, a man who was gentle and sweet and loving and didn’t deserve to die!”
“I know - ”
“I loved him!” she shrieked, and pushed Li away again as he tried to quiet her. “I loved him so much… and the pain from knowing that he’s gone forever is like a little death of my own. I was grieving, and in pain, and I never expected finding someone like you that could help me start to forget. I opened up to you, Li, I reached out. I gave you my first kiss! And you pushed me away. You led me on, and you rejected me.”
Li pushed his bangs out of his eyes and glared at her.
“How many times do we have to go over this? You’re a princess; I’m a peasant. Guys like me are not allowed to kiss women like you!”
“You think that really helps the way that I feel right now? That it makes my suffering even a little less? Because it doesn’t.” She couldn’t stand looking at his face anymore and strode away, almost running down the street.
“Hey, come back here! Damn it, you can’t be wandering around the city, Sakura.” He hurried to catch up with her, but she shrugged him off when he laid a hand on her shoulder.
“No. Don’t even touch me. Just the feel of your hand is too much.”
It was obvious that he was going to have to tackle her to get her to stop, and that would attract too much attention. Not sure what else to do, he kept pace as she walked.
Round-eyed with amazement, Nicky stepped away from the shadows of the building, scarcely able to believe all that he’d heard. A lot of the conversation subject matter had been too complicated to understand, but of one thing he was fairly clear: the girl that had been sleeping upstairs was the Sakura, the princess of the country! Why was she in such poor and ragged clothing, and hiding with him and Claire? And why was she with Li? His curiosity was too much to overcome, and he began to follow the other two.
“As if I wasn’t in enough pain,” Sakura gritted, glaring at the stones of the street. “Parents dead, Yukito dead, my brother in chains… me on the run and my friends in danger of their lives just for staying by my side. And then you happen. How many more disasters are around the corner?”
“Sakura, I never meant to be a part of the pain in your life. In fact, I never meant to a part of your life, period. I wasn’t exactly given much of a choice, you know.” She wasn’t slowing down any, nor would she look him in the eye as he spoke. “This was your mission from the beginning, not mine. I lost my home and I’m a wanted man because of you. I know what it’s like to have a life full of disasters, my parents are dead too. You really want to compare pain?”
“No! I want you to forget about class for once!”
“I wish that I could. I want to so bad, it hurts inside. But this isn’t about me, and what I want. It’s about the way things are. Why is it so difficult for you to understand? Why can’t you just accept it!”
They came upon the evening market, and all the carts and tents of vendors selling their vegetables and skins of milk in the open cobbled space of town. Sakura stopped walking when she saw the crowd and turned to face him, so suddenly he almost crashed into her.
“Because – because…” She wanted to tell him why she couldn’t accept it, longed to get it off her chest. But the words died on her lips when she saw his face.
I can’t tell him, even though it hurts to not be able to say it. It won’t matter to him; he’ll just push it away like he did me. I don’t want it thrown in my face.
Li waited, but when she pressed her lips together and remained silent, he spoke again.
“This is hard for me, Sakura, whatever you may be telling yourself. It’s so hard.” He paced a little and raked his fingers through his scruffy hair. “I look at you, and it kills me. Every second I spend with you is like torture, knowing that I don’t deserve to touch you. It’s excruciating.”
Sakura wiped her tears again and watched his shoulders slump under an invisible burden of agony. He really was in pain.
“It’s killing me too,” she said softly. “Who knew two people could make each other so miserable?”
He looked up and met her eyes. Those tortured emerald eyes. If he was causing her so much hurt –
“Then maybe I should go.”
“Maybe you should.”
There was a beat of stunned silence, and he swallowed and looked away. He’d been promising himself that he would walk away for days now, despite knowing how much she wanted him to stay with her. But now that she’d actually said it, she’d actually told him to leave, he couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that she wanted him gone.
Sakura saw the surprised hurt in his eyes and was about to speak when he reached forward and pulled her close. She squeaked, and he hastily shushed her.
“Don’t move,” he hissed. “Don’t turn around. Just keep your eyes down.” His arm was around her waist, holding her still, and she trembled. All she could see was the weave of his rough cotton shirt, and she felt a rush of terror for her unseen enemy.
“How many?” she whispered. He didn’t answer immediately, and her stomach knotted up in dread. “How many?”
“Not…too many.”
“How many is that?”
“Um, six.” She groaned. “No, make that eight. They must have formed a larger party to search the market. Doubtless they’ve guessed we’ve arrived in town.”
She whimpered, and he clutched her a little tighter.
“Shh. Don’t panic, stay calm. There’s too many people here for them, we’ll get out all right.”
“I’m scared.”
“Don’t be. Control your fear. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” He dropped a quick kiss on the top of her head and began to back away.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters
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